Life of Learning

"Why don't you want to fly to Vancouver?!" they asked from me in the airport, when I asked them to make sure that my baggage will land in Amsterdam, not in Vancouver and that I am not taking part of the flight to Canada...
"Well, I have changed my mind..." I said, holding myself back from telling them all the story...
I scanned inside of myself when I was telling the same thing in Amsterdam to KLM-lady about my cancelled flight. I realized that with choosing not to fly further, I choose being grounded and stable. The idea of heading towards Canada, made me shiver...made me realize that back in there I will be in the air again...

What is wrong or what is right?
I noticed myself standing on the cross-road, turning my boat to the direction which seems right at the moment, leaving other paths behind, waiting for their turn to come or never to come.
This is the way we live lives. We choose.
I have been  putting an effort to find out what is right, what is the best for me? Well, this process can drive you mad when you deal with it too much.
Life is happening anyways.
Things do come to me when I stand still, when I do less, when I look closer and when I pay attention.
Big things are the same as small things.
Going to the world with just a backbag is a great thing to do. When I see that someone is doing it now, it reminds me that I have done it too. And in a way, I am still doing. Cause travelling is something which can happen inside and outside.
There is just time for everything.
There is no wrong or right.
It is just about choosing, not doubting.
Cause if you doubt, it makes you to press a "Pause" button. No movement, no change. Just constant anxiety and confusion. It ends when you grab something you see in this mist. It can be something really small. Something you like even when nothing seems likable...
And then,
you can just go on. Continue finding the things which inspire you, which make you feel motivated, which gives you a wish to live.

Life is a constant lesson and you can only get better on it!


So, I am in Belgium, in Gent. It is the same place we were with Sander just before we flew to Mexico. The same Estonian Girl lives here, just in another place. Leana. So, as I see, it is like a full circle now. What can be better!?
Sky is full-on misty and gray,
the bed I am sleeping in has a big red blanket and a movie called "Little Miss Sunshine" made me laugh alone in the room.
I can say, that I am happy.

Stiil ja Vabadus

Ma muidugi oskan raha ka hästi kulutada, leida midagi, mille vastu teda vahetada. Täna tajusin kuidagi eriti selgelt, milline naljakas mäng see on. Ma annan paberit ja siis saan haaknõelad vastu. Ja see, kes raha saab, on nii õnnelik. Ja mina olen rahul, et sain haaknõelu. Kõik peaks justkui hästi olema! Miks on siis mingi kiuks sees seal kohas, kus osad asjad tunduvad liiga kallid ja siis teiselt poolt ostavad firmad turundusfirmade teenuseid, et ikagi veenda inimesi oma toodete ostmise vajaduses. Kahepoolne õnn on ju eesmärgiks?

Kas on raske anda ja on kange tahtmine saada?

Maailm on ju me endi loodud, miks siis elame näilises puuduses? Meil on see üks planeet siin elamiseks, see on ümmargune ja omamoodi lõplik, on terviksüsteem. Seega peaks olema võimalik kõigil elada tervelt ja külluslikult, puudused tulevad vaid sellest, kui me ei ole osanud ressursse hästi jaotada.
Vaene on ju mõnes kohas suisa illegaalne olla. Näiteks USAsse sisenedes või ka teistesse esimese maailma heaoluriikidesse minna soovides on piiriametnikel õigus küsida, kui palju raha on sul pangaarvel, kus sa töötad ja kuhu lähed - kõlab nagu üli-uudishimulik vanaema, kes soovib info omamise kaudu kontrollida sind, isegi kui ta ei jõua igale poole kaasa tulla, kuhu sa lähed. Vähemasti tahab ta teada, mismoodi asjad on ja ega see polegi nii oluline, et kuidas sa end tunned ja et kas on tundeselgust ja mõtteerksust... oluline on pigem see, et kas on taskus palju raha ja oled tegemas midagi prestiižset, su tegemistel on tava-loogilised seletused ja sa oled lihtsasti jälgitav - küll pangakonto toimingute ja ka näiteks postkaartide ja hotellide ja kõiksugu selliste süsteemide kaudu.

Noh, võibolla polegi see halb.
Praegu lähen minagi lennuki peale kohvriga, seljas mantel ja jalas kenad saapad. Pealtpoolt vaadates võiks arvata, et ma olen peen preili. Kui läbi lumeraja lennujaama poole astusin ja ninast tatti välja nuuskasin, niimoodi suusatajate või vanade metsameeste moodi, siis mõtlesin küll, et ei tea, kas see läheb üleüldise "stiiliga" kokku...., või et kui ema seda näeks!?

Võibolla võin ma nüüd olla vahest ka "stiilipuhas", kui ma seda tugevasti otsustan ja arvan, et tasub proovida. Sest nüüd ma taipan, et ükskõik, millist vormi ma endal ka üll kannan, ei muuda see seda, milline ma olen. Niimoodi saab ka vähem vaielda, sest enda seisukoha tõestamine polegi eriti oluline enam. See on vaikselt ja kindlalt enda sees olemas, kuulamas uusi vaatenurki, ennast sirutamas ja avardamas. Ta pole enam ohustatud. Teda pole kunagi kaitsta vaja olnudki, naljakas, et kunagi siiski see vajalik tundus...

Lendan Amsterdami. Loodan, et ma Kanadasse ei lähe, kuigi see lend sinna lõpuks välja viib. Plaanin lihtsalt varem välja astuda, sest selle ajaga, mis olen Eestis olnud, on mu elu nii palju muutunud, et praegu Kanadasse minemine ei tundu esimese hooga nii vajalik. Ainult väike igatsusvalu on seal endast märku andmast, mind hullusele kutsumas. Pass on ju kaasas ja arvuti ja hambahari. See, kas mind riiki lubataks, on muidugi omaette küsimus. Aga küllap pika lennu jooksul jõuaks ka mõne hea loo välja mõelda. Ja mu praegune "stiil" lubaks mul vast kindlamalt sinna sisse sulanduda, jätta mulje, et olen mõni Ida-Euroopa tähtis preili, karvamüts peas ja arvuti kotis.
Mõnus on niimoodi mõelda.
Tunda seda, et ma olengi vaba, otsustama just nii, kuidas sel hetkel, kui on otsustamise aeg, kõige õigem tundub.
Nii ma lähengi,
homme.
Iga minemine on omamoodi lõplik.
Iga hüvastijätt on tähtis ja samas nii lihtne. Mis siin ikka nutta.
Elu tuleb ja läheb.

Mina lehvitan sellest aastast siitmaalt ja eks siis ole näha, mis edasi saab. Kell näitas 14:14 ja 2:22.
Head ended.

Messages of Love*Armastuse Sõnumid

This is my wish for the time of solstice and so called Christmas.

I take it as a time to share the warmth from the heart to friends met on the path of life.

It is time of darkness, at least here in Estonia.

But each day from now on there will be more light in our days and white snow is covering the land, trees and dirt.

*

See on mu jõulusoov.

On aeg jagada südame soojust nende imelistega, keda on õnn olnud kohata sel elurajal.

Pimeduse aeg on meil siin, kuid valgust on igasse päeva nüüd süttimas rohkem kui eile,

lumi katab valgeks maa ja puhtaks mustuse.

~*~

Ja siin on kõik ilus ja hea, mis minuga viimasel ajal on juhtunud ja minus helgib ja lehvitab,

on ühendus kurvilistest rännuteedest, ookeanide lainetusest ja mägede valgetest tippudest, suurtele küsimustele vastamisest, elu maagiast ja muinasjutust, rikkuse otsinguist ja sõprade kätest, siin ja sealpool merd ja muusikat, on purjepaat ja kootud kindad.

~Armastan Sind,

mu Sõber ja Kallis~

~*~

So here you can see all the beautiful and good things which happened with me recently, waving and sparkling inside. It is a connection in between curvy paths of travels, tides of oceans and white mountain-tops, finding answers to big questions about life, magic and fairytales of moments, search of abundance and hands of friends on the different sides of ocean and music,

sail-boat and knitted gloves.

~I love You,

my friends and dear-ones~

When I am surrounded by bliss I still keep on doubting, I keep on searching for the reasons why things aren't still good enough. That sounds just stupid!
Is this the real challenge - to understand that I am already happy. That my life is just on the best path. It is the only real path I am on.

Things from "out there", from friends I have met during the last year, they pop up into my reality here and some ache comes along, some longing and missing... And for now I have decided not to fly to Canada on the 29th of Dec. Still, I am taking this flight part-way, until Amsterdam - I will have a chance to get some other angle and fresh air from Estonia. I am visioning the moment when I step out from the airport, falling into the tears.... just realizing that I am not taking the chance there is for me... chance to take a boat across the gulf and be there, back in Victoria, on the shores of ocean, seeing white mountaintops of USA, meeting with strong winds and rough stones, and Freya, and friends.
There is pain there. I am feeling it. And I am asking why is it there?
Is it there for me to go and see or is it there for me to observe from a position of peace?

Endless questions. So many doubts.
I have been changing my mind so many times during this time in Estonia (more than 2 months for now) that people close by have lost track and they are not trying to understand anymore... and I have gave up the need to discuss and also share my last "decision". Useless.

The World is changing all the time and now I am experiencing it full-on! What am I learning from it?
Well,
I must say that this turmoil makes me want to stand solid and grounded, taking deep breaths and looking through illusions, asking more from the body than from the mind. Mind gets caught into thoughts and emotions get caught into longings. I cannot trust them.

Yes, there is this change and all that, but I have decided I am not confused anymore. I am just living every day as it comes. And I am more just in a position of accepting and not going out there to look after...  I see that the world hasn't stopped moving and things really do come to me.

My biggest fear is to get stuck in here, to do "wrong" things and to "give up my freedom".
So,
I might just need to do it all - face the fears and go to University, live in the centre of  Tallinn, sing in Pandivere choir, fall in love of life, be here and now, write letters to those ones who are not near by and knit some gloves and socks and take it easy.


Life comes and goes. My dear friend Alex with whom I had heart-connection already in Rainbow and then she came to Horse Caravan and we got even closer, singing songs together..., she went to travel in another realms, she left the earthly body behind there in Costa Rica.
I cannot be truly sad, cause she let me know that this was the choice of her spirit and that while being alive it is so important to follow your heart and to live the best life you can imagine. She also reminds me to write a book, cause she was waiting for it already when we just met... I am now waiting for a response from a publisher in Estonia - whether to continue with it. We shall see.

Alex also teached me a song and I had forgotten the words and my wish to her was that she will remind me those somehow so that I could sing it again... This really did happen, last night when I was listening to another song... those words just came to me and I found it from the internet. You can listen to it hopefully from here
Womb Of The Earth:
https://youtu.be/svV5Ajw3HO4
There is another one called - May I Be Strong - those ones she taught to me, those ones speak with me strong.

Womb of the Earth

Sasha Butterfly

the blessed gift this child brings
the veil will open when the angel sing
the blessed gift this child brings
the veil will open when the angel sings
and the arms of the earth are open wide
recieving the blessings from inside
womb of the earth, miracle of birth
womb of the earth, miracle of birth
brought here from the earth and sky
an angel of light come here to try
to remind us of the the simple bliss
that lies within a mothers' kiss
and the arms of the earth are open wide
recieving the blessings from inside
womb of the earth, miracle of birth
womb of the earth, miracle of birth
divine mother, sister, friend
wings of birds these prayers I send
and the arms of the earth are open wide
recieving the blessings from inside
womb of the earth, miracle of birth
womb of the earth, miracle of birth
divine father, brother, soul
a mothers arms will keep you whole
divine father, brother, soul
a mothers arms will keep you whole
and the arms of the earth are open wide
recieving the blessings from inside
womb of the earth, miracle of birth
womb of the earth, miracle of birth

This is a life of Miracles we are all Living here.

Valge Päeva Võlu

Õndsad on need hetked, mil olen oma liikumise ainuke kapten. Mu laevaks on seekord ema auto. Simunasse oli põhjust viia ema juuksurisse, sealt edasi olen küll väikse missiooniga leida värvi-pann Väike-Maarjast, kuid palju teid viib sinna...

Võtan ühe, peatun lumevalguses ja selge taeva all. Puude tagant tõuseb Päike. No küll on see ikka imeline, valguse tulek maailma! On vaja vaadata pikalt hallust, et aduda selle kera suurt rolli meie maa-ilmades. Rõõm tõuseb laotusse!

On nii külm, et saapad naksuvad teel, justkui tahaks kinni jäätuda. -17 Celsiuse kraadi. Kristalliseerunud vesi katab kõike, särab ja sätendab.

Sõidan edasi ja peatun siis jälle. Arheoloogiamälestis, hiiemägi ja ohvripaik, püüab mu tähelepanu. Tajun soovi sinna astuda, sellesse pühasse ruumi. Kuigi kahekümnendatel hakati ses paigas paekivi kaevandama ja kunagisest kahest mäest on järgi jäänud vaid puhmasküngas, on iidset hõngu tajuda.
Uguri Mägi. 

Enese sees hakkab kõnelema "Kalevipojas" sõnatu:
"Aga ükskord algab aega,
mil kõik pirrud kahel otsal
lausa löövad lõkendama.
Lausa tuleleeki lõikab
käe siis kaljukammitsasta.
Küll siis Kalev jõuab koju
oma rahval õnne tooma,
Eesti põlve uueks looma!"

Need sõnad, nende jõud võbeleb mu sees ja meenutab midagi, mida ma teadlikult pole kunagi mäletanud. Võibolla vanad eestlased olid sarnased praegu tuntud oraaklite maiade, hopi indiaanlaste, tiibetlaste ja teiste tark-rahvastega? Võibolla on nende sõnade mõistmine mõistusega hoopis võimatu - niimoodi saab ainult tähtedesse kinni jääda, kuid tegelik informatsioon on suurem ja kõikehõlmavam. Kui vormitu tahetakse vormi panna, läheb ju ikka midagi kaotsi. Kasutades intuitsiooni ja universumi-taju, on vahest võimalik hakata silmama silmaga nähtamatut, näha nii, nagu justab Castaneda oma raamatuis. Näha illusioonidest läbi.


Sõidan julgelt teil, mida pole kunagi teadnud. Niimoodi käibki maadeavastamine. See piirkond, sõitmata teed, viivad mind rändama erinevais reaalsustes. Muinasmaailm ja imeilm on mu kodulaanteks taas. Hobuste kabjad kappavad teil, kuhu asfalt pole roomanud. On ju võimalik ka Eestimaal rännata suviti ringi sõpradega, hobuste turjadel. Kes küll teostaks neid häid mõtteid, mis su enda juurde tulevad? Eks vist ikka ainult ise!

Maailm, kui võimalikkuse mängulava.

Külapoes on ilus vanamees. Mu silmad peatuvad ta mustrilistel labakinnastel. Mõtlen enda omadele, mis on nädal otsa kudumata rännanud minuga mööda Eestimaad. Meenutus jätkamisele. See sama mees on kõrvalpoes ka, kui ostan viigimarju. Siis teatan talle kuis mulle ta kindad meeldivad - tema vastab, et need on ta ämma kootud. Ja seesama ämm oli ülevalla tuntud kokk omal ajal. Käis kodunduskoolis, talvel kudus selliseid imepäraseid mitmevärvilisi kindaid ja muul ajal siis tegi nii hästi süüa, et tema suurt koka-annet teati rohkem kui ühe-pere-ringis. No ja siis oli ta isa ka kindaid kududa osanud, sest kui ta noorena läti pool elas ja lätlastelt naha peale sai, õppis ta kodus ema käest hoopiski kuduma. Täpne poiss olevat olnud!
"Vanasti olid ikka ajad hoopis ilusamad! Aga näe, sina oled küll haruldane oma huviga!" sõnab ta selle pääle, kui mõtlen valjusti oma kinnaste jätkamisest...

See erinevate aegade sees rändamise taju jätkus minu jaoks selle vestlusega. Maailm on just selline, kuis ise luua. On müstikat ja muinasjuttu just nii palju olemas, kui endasse suudad mahutada.

Külm on hea hingamisele - lõõrid lähevad lahti ja tatt voolab välja.
See päev on püha.
Päike jääbki nii madalale ja tõusmisest saab pea kohe loojumine.
Põhjamaised võlud.
Korstendest tõuseb valkjaid suitsuhabemeid.

In The Middle Of It All

 

.

what to do when the heart is torn in between two continents?

when the sea doesn't replace the ocean

and being a guest doesn't replace being at home?

through the fields of choices

time will point the path to walk on

is there much to do about it

or is the decision already made?

in life and in love

you can count on the changes

they hold up the universe

they make the world turn around

are you my love?

am I your love?

do I see clear enough?

maybe I create illusions

oh, shall the path of truth

be rolled out for me

when the time to take my steps

is there to face




. 
Haapsalu
09.12.09

Inim-Keha-Ime-Ulme

Kogu inimkeha arterid lebavad klaasi all. Kui nende vahele ja külge ja peale kujutada ette luu, lihased ja nahk, saab pildi kokku. Veresoonte võrk ulatub igale poole ja iga veretilk inimkehas läbib igas minutis korra südant. 160 000 m elueliksiiri jõgesid on meie sees.
Näen, millistes piirkondades on verevahetus hoopis suurem, kus on prioriteedid ja piirid.

Kõige suurema mulje jättis haigete kopsude nägemine. Suitsetamine mõjub silmnähtavalt mustavalt ja hingamisprotseduuri efektiivsust pärssivalt. Kõik kehas toimiv on omavahel seotud.

Tekkis vastutuse tunne oma keha hea toimimise eest. See, mida ma suust sisse panen ja see, kuidas oma kehaga liigutan, milliseid mõtteid mõtlen, kus paigus kondan - kõigel on oma roll. Kuidas elada küll nii, et toimida saaks tervelt? Et poleks vaja ühel organil hakata teise toimimispraaki kompenseerima..., et poleks mu eluviis liiga raske, et maine väljendus oma potentsiaali kasutaks. Kvaliteetaeg.


~

Üha selgem on see, et ilus elu on valik. Iga elu sees on ilusa elu idu, ainult et vahest on see nukkuvas faasis ja siis on vaja vett ja valgust, et hakkaks uus algus.
Olen liikumises ja laulmises,
oma paiga leidmises.
Õhk on hingamiseks, põhja pool kargem ja mere pool maitsvam.
Iga päev on üllatus,
pikalt plaanida ei saa,
vaid taibata toimuvat.

From English to Estonian and MySpace

As we both are now in Estonia, writing in Estonian comes more naturally. From time to time I guess I just want to practice my English and some thoughts are being born just in the language they are born. There is much to do about it then. To translate only.
And this is the chance for those who do not understand Estonian - Google Translate has reached to even this small language spoken by about 1 million people... So, no limits. Although I have observed that the way I write about things is not always very "following the rules", so it requires some "being on the wave with me" skills. Thank you for that effort!


So, what will happen with me, am I going to return to Canada or are there things to do here in Estonia for me?
I have stopped asking this question,
cause I only have one day to live and one day to love.
So I am knitting gloves,
being inspired by Estonian folk patterns, music, clothes and wisdom.

Songs keep on coming to me and I am asked to develop my singing and guitar-playing skills. I made the first "obvious" step on this road and now you can listen to my chef-d'oeuvre's - www.myspace.com/marianhiire

Days are continuously gray, rain is pouring down without any breaks. But people hearts are learning to beat in the harmonious rhythm, to give birth to light and warmth.
"Estonians are aliens," as just one french thai-masseuse said after observing our friend's birthday party without any alcohol, filled with hugs, folk-songs, other songs, improvisational music, dances, touching games, inspired conversations and warmth which turned strangers into friends. We ended up having a massage lesson, working in pairs and a talking circle, showing our gratitude.
Those things make me so grateful about being alive, being Estonian, being here where I am. And I have to admit that I have been lucky enough to find this kind of events outside Estonia too. Maybe they are following me... :)


Sooja sisse!

Õnn On Jagamiseks

Sel hommikul ärkan päikesesse. On tegelikult lõuna, aga minu öö algas alles hommikul seitsme paiku..., niiet on just paras aeg magatud, kui ma järsku avan oma silmad. Ainult ühel pool maja paistab see kullakera, mida viimasel ajal nii vähe näha on olnud.

Tunnen oma keha, selles on kummaline surin sees. Justkui kass nurruks kõhuks ja see teeb kõik, mida kogen, nii heaks.
Odrapuder gheega (selline või, mida on keedetud ja pealt riisutud vadak, järgi jääb kuldkollane pehmus. Indias tehakse just eriti niimoodi) on mulle lauale laotatud. Sinna juurde suutäied mõnusat jutuajamist. Õnne on see naine, kes minuga lahkust jagab. Mina olen kodus, kus mul on lubatud seekord olla.

Hallus laotas end taas laiali välises ilmas, kuid päikesemaik on mu keelel.

Esmaspäevase rahuga sätin ma end valmis. Lauale on jäetud rosinaid ja pähkleid suukosutuseks ja hommikurõõmuks. Valge koera pikad karvad paitavad mu sokid paksemaks.
Lähen kui on õige aeg, võtan parklast auto ja mängib Iker Goenaga "Amorrua" - muusika, mis oma elavusega oskab küll taevasse tõsta ja siis ka maasse juurutada.

Valgus on sellest päevast juba haihtumas. Nii lühikene on aeg, mil on meile heledust antud. Pärast lõunat algab õhtu. Palju puhkamisaega.
On mõned värvid taevas ja kui sõidan üle pikast sillast, siis on aega et seda endasse hingata. Mälupilt saab tehtud.
Lähen paika, kus raha vastu vahetatakse head ja paremat kraami. Ma tean, mida ma tahan ja seda ma ka leian. Minus on soovi täita kodu kappe külluse ja tervisega, et me kehad saaks hästi toidetud ja meeled maitsetega rahuldatud. Vanemad on tagasi tulemas. Nende lubatus võimaldab mul niimoodi liikuda praegu, mängida maailmaga.

Oh, see tunne, õnnesurin, on ikka mu sees. Ta kuristab kergeks kõik hetked. Midagi mind ei masenda. Ei inimeste lettidevaheline mõttetegevus ja kassapidaja tuim nägu. See vilksatab viivuks hoopis elust, kui vaatan talle silma ja soovin ilusat õhtut.
Tunnen, kuidas olen naine. Kuidas kõnnin koos uhkusega olla just neis hetkis, olla just selline kui täna olen.

Mandariinind - neid soovib õde siit Taaralinnast. Lähen teise poodi, sest siin pole parimaid.
Tulen välja, nüüd on juba pime.
Märkan meest, kes seisab väljas ja vaatab mind. Ta on tumedais riideis, tal on kodutu välimus. Ta paneb mind küsima eneselt, kas mul on õigus olla nii õnnelik, näha nii palju valgust ja rõõmu ilmas, mis talle on nii hall, on nii trööstitu ja kurb.
Istun autosse ja mängib taas muusika.

Akna taga on ootamatult see mees. Räägib ja näitab midagi kätega. Ma korraks ehmatun. Raputan pead, tunnen vist pelgust. Ja ma vaatan teda edasi. Näen, et ta silmad on siirad. Teen akna lahti ja keeran muusika kinni.
"Mul ei ole midagi siin valetada. Kui valetan, siis ainult iseendale. Ma olen kodutu. Kui sa saad, siis osta mulle saia, piima, vorsti ja limonaadi," ta ütleb.
"Valetamise kohalt on sul küll õigus, huvitav, et see tema suust meeldetuletusena taas tuleb," mõtlen omaette.
Ma enam ei karda. Hoopis mõistan. Sest sel reisiaastal oli mul hetki, kui ka mina ei teadnud, kuhu magama minna. Kodutute inimeste maailm tuli mulle hoopis lähemale. Ka see, mida ta võib tunda, kui läheb kellegi juurde midagi küsima, on mulle mõistetavam.
Peatasin oma maailma ja mineku.
Astusin autost välja, poodi, et osta talle seda, mida ta palus.

Valisin parima saia, kus oleks vähem säilitus- ja värvaineid. Võtsin piima asemel keefiri, mida ta variandina mainis. Valisin tunde järgi vorsti, suitsuvorst tundus tõeliseim. Limpa limonaad ka.
Mitte kunagi elus polnud ma kogenud nii suurt rahu ja rõõmu kellelegi midagi andes, just niimoodi, tundmatule küsijale. Muidu kerjajatest möödudes on minus tihti olnud segu häbist ja andmissoovist ja mõistmisest ja arvamisest ja keeldumisest. Seekord ma teadsin, mida mul teha tuleb.

Kõhus kõditas ikkagi see soe tunne edasi, kandmas mind läbi nende hetkede. Sain ühtäkki aru, et ma saan jagada enda õnne. Sellepärast see mees mu ellu tuligi. Enam ei tundnud ma, et on ülekohtune olla nii rõõmus. See on jagamiseks. Ja just see suur valgus minus, lubas seda ka edasi kiirata.

Kuulasin ta elu lugu. Tahtsin talle meenutada, et elus on põhjust olla. Ta enne ütles, et talve tulekul on tal üks variant end üles puua, siis ei pea enam kerjama. Varastada ta ei taha. Vangi ta enam sattuda ei taha. Just nüüd ta seal oli 1 aasta ja 8 kuud. Sest ta lõi politseinikku. Ta pandi kokku tapjatega ning see oli päris õõvastav kogemus, mida ta pikalt kirjeldama ei hakanud.

"Hea tüdruk oled, kui saaks, siis võtaks naiseks. Tõsiselt kah, ega ma ei valeta. Aga no see on ainult nali, tead küll. Sellepärast ütlen, et hea oled. Ütlen kolm korda, see on ju kohtuseadus. Ära nüüd muretse, ega ma siis halva pärast. No mine siis, aitäh! Ja ära oma rindu ära kaota, see on õnnistus. Ära neid liiga palju näita ka, muidu veel vaadatakse.."

Jalustrabav ausus. Ta patsutab mind õlale nagu vana sõpra ja niimoodi me lahku lähemegi. Ta soovis veel mu autos soojas istuda 10 minutit, kuid seal kohas tõmbasin ma joone maha ja astusin oma teele.

Tükk aega seedisin seda kõike läbi, mis nüüd juhtus. Raputasin omaenda maailma. Avastasin võimalikkust edasi. Ja isegi kui korraks mõtlesin, kas tegin ikka hästi, leidsin endast palju head tunnet, mis mind sellest kogemusest oli läbi kandnud, isegi kui kohati ma astusin sammu tagasi, tundes ta pesematusest tekkinud lõhna...lehka... Aga no mis siis sellest, see on ju elu. Maa peal pole midagi räpast. Mustus on lihtsalt mustus.


Tema silmad on heledad, selged ja siirad.
Tema olemasolu on kingitus.

Kui Sul on, siis jaga seda teistega. Sa ei saa kaotada, hoopis võita. Me oleme õed ja vennad siin Maal.

Where are you in your life?

I move on the Earth.
Now some people call me the "worldtraveller".
I guess it was my dream to become a one.

I went into the apartment where we used to live when we were children with Sander.
It is the place of the past. We left it behind when one summer on the countryside never ended and we didn't move back to the village, to our old home. We have been taking things along from there. But lots of them are left behind.

My room. My eyes see it through my little self, my little Marian. Room is so small, but we used to live there with Sander, only having a small floor-space for all the games we played. Big desk, father got it from his working place, old-russian-way-office-desk.
The whole table and floor was full of things, papers, books, toys. Today I had strength to go through it. Today I threw away boxes of old papers and clothes and things. There are more to deal with. But much is gone.
It is tiring. But it is rewarding.
I am amazed that this place is just existing, nobody taking care of it and when you turn on the water in the toilet, water starts to run through the flushing box... What a surprise!
Today I had courage to burn the candle we were saving for some special occasions. It was shaped as a bear in Santa-Claus suit.
I am burning my childhood. But it is not like denying it or killing it. It is more like looking it from aside. Observing. And realizing that some things are over. And there is much to learn from it - for example - to use my favorite stickers right away, not to put them aside until I am 23. This feeling of excitement around stickers is not the same.
Though, why not?
Yes,
there is something in me, still interested in beautiful small things, decorating my books and diaries with pretty pictures.

http://nekochan828.deviantart.com/

Oh, when I was there, I met with a wish to find my own home. I just want to move there and to have space for wool and hand-made stuff to work with. And for piano. And walls will be light and bright there.
In this place of childhood, it all felt so out of time. Small girl is big girl now. Now is the time I can live my dreams.
I do not need to have a childhood place in New Zealand to feel cool in my life.
Also, I do not need to live abroad to feel fulfilled in my life. There is more in me than I even know.
I am a creation of my mind, mostly. And as my mind is changing, I am changing. And as I am teaching silence to my mind, I might even find something else behind it. Cause when the mind is gone, I am not gone.
We will see.

Meanwhile,
dogs and cats are fed and snow is melting over here.
I am pleased that parents do take time to see the world too and hopefully they will come back with a new understanding in their eyes or hearts. I have time to drive on the misty gray roads of Estonia, listening to Vangelis. Conquest of Paradise. 1492.

Tantsumasin. Dancemachine.

Parents flew to China and I took their car and turned the wheels towards Viljandi - city of folk-music and culture.
170 km is long enough to start enjoying driving, to get into being alone on the road.
I made some great discoveries about myself.

In the beginning I listened some good mellow Estonian female voice and nice songs, but then it was suddenly enough. I turned on the radio and only station which worked, was Russian radio. I have never listened to it so far. But now it was just perfect! Some good beats and language which is quite ununderstandable for me. So relaxing!
I realized that I do understand something.

Then. Radio lost its signal and my only option (besides listening to this mellow woman) was to listen to "I love 90's" CD.
Well.
"Maybe it is good," I thought.
Indeed.
Big was my surprise when I found myself going along with the beat and dancing in the car as much as possible. Good old love-disco-songs! One moment brought a scream out of me. When I realized that nobody is listening to me and I am not disturbing anybody, I was so relieved that I screamed even more! Full power!
Probably for the first time in my life.



Viljandi.
There I was finally.
Next to the gas station I wrote words into my computer, waiting for my brother to arrive. He came and we drove towards concert place.

Tantsumasin was the name of the event - dancemachine. It was something simple and Estonian - dances were not all polished and perfect - they were as people - different steps, different movements in the hips...
And the story was carried out with some nice symbols and there was space for everybody to create their own story too.

So when we had a cake and drink after the show, we danced with musicians and dancers and got together as a friendly family and then they asked if we want to go to sauna with them, with the group of Tantsumasin.
Well,
it took some courage to go with the strangers. Leana and Sander were doubting about that, but my feeling told to go. So, I talked them into it and there we were, learning to know each other in Estonian Way - in sauna, all naked :)
That was a good night to remember and to learn from that too.
Finally we were all so pleased to be so relaxed and warm to the bones. And we got to know some people who were just on the stage some hours ago.
Everybody needs somebody to go to sauna with!

On the west coast of Estonia there is no snow.
But here in Virumaa, in the center of Estonia, my brother and sister just went to skiing.
Small country, but lots of variety!

Sauna tonight too.
Candlelight.
Honey on the skin and snowangels outside on the ground. It feels great to have snow next to your bare and warm skin...
When honey dries out, you can massage your skin and this stickyness brings toxines out! And you are definately so sweet as you can be! :)

So,
friends, come over and lets go to sauna!

LUIGED LÄINUD
LUMI TAGA

on the Fathers Day

I am back in west coast. I followed the setting sun. But this time I just knew it, I didn't see it, the Sun I mean. Instead I saw snow on my road. And when I got here, the snow was gone.
They still have snow out there, in other part of Estonia.
But Haapsalu is warm.
It reminds me Canadian west coast.

I remember how I used to feel here. I feel it again. Only now I am new. I made the step, forward, not back.
I can see the sea from the window of my friends home. She left me her home keys, soon she is coming back. And I am waiting.

Accordion appeared. Grandmother was delighted to meet with the right moment where her granddaughter finally got ready for her instrument. Tears in her eyes - she listened me playing and singing.

I have songs coming to me. One night I recorded two of them. You can listen to : www.myspace.com/marianhiire
Unplugged and the beginning it is.
I am taking my time to meet with next steps on the road of sharing.


Once again we said goodbye - sister and brother of Semiluuto. We grow, in different places, but towards the same Light. There is strength in it. There are lessons in it.

Freedom in communication, touch and understanding flows into the presence of my life.

In Haapsalu there is still the Secret Garden waiting for me. The house is not sold. Apples are under the trees, they taste so good. My stomach moved, my heart was beating... while I stepped again into this Garden. Maybe we are about to meet some time in the future. Maybe I will live there one day. We are waiting for each other.

This is happiness - to be alive~

Dear People
We are amazing embodiments here on earth~ from east to west ~ from north to south ~
There are hugs, smiles and shared moments connecting all of us.
Through the movement and sharing we are able to comprehend the "true reality" being much more grounded.
Just because the playground is getting wider thanks to you.

When you step up, take a brief moment to focus on the earth you are standing on. Examine the feeling and support we get from the Mother Earth.

I am writing things that are carried by this very moment. I write to understand myself through this medium, through you dear Reader.

Things Happen!


Sander

All of life comes to me with ease and joy and glory

This collage I made before our travels as a manifestation photo~
When I look back to my memories and feelings right now~ It all comes together as ONE

All of life comes to me with ease and joy and glory!

Let this centence and powerful self programming energy enter your reality!
We are here on earth to Live a Life


SANderSAN
with motivation

Stroke of Insight

 This woman, brain researcher learned to know her own brain through a brain stroke. Left and right brain sides have so different tasks for us. Enlightening to see! Check the link!

Stroke of Insight

Train your left body side~

Choice to Live

Here you are, standing and looking your life. The place you live. Things you eat. Clothes you wear. Things you do. People you go along with.

From a blog: http://my.opera.com/ptckian/blog/index.dml/tag/Thoughts

You are new. Life is still the same. It is your life. World is changing, yes, but it takes its time. Things on Earth are moving slower than our minds and spirits. We have to learn to accept and appreciate that.
We can learn to live in the flow of Tao.

Do not make any decisions based upon rush or fear or unbalance. Wait until you know and act then.
Wait until things come to you, you do not have to put yourself out there so loud...

This is what my experience is teaching me. I am learning to walk. I am falling down and then I am rising again, still in the process of learning to walk. I will succeed when I am ready.
Mistakes are there to be made and to move on.

Thank you for allowing us to share the whole process with you. Do not take me or us so seriously. We are still young citizens of the Earth, no matter for how old our Spirits are.


~
~
~

Hulgerdamine ehk vabalt öiste hetkede kogemine

Kassitoomel laulavad rebased~

Linna metsikus koosluses eksisteerivad inimesed kõrvuti oma looduga. Õnneks on veel midagi lisaks loodud.
Tooks heaks näiteks rebased.
Nad kalpsavad mängeldes ringi. Kindla peale on neid vähemalt kaks ning inimesed on nende silmis kui liikuvad puud.
Ühel hetkel lendlevad lehtede sahinal mööda rebasepoisid, siis vurab tänavapuhastusmassin vilkurite saatel rämpsu radadel. Muidu hilised jõlkujad~ Valguste ja hoovide vaatlejad. Lugude otsijad ning puude puudutajad. Nad näevad ja märkavad seda mis on muidu olemisele omakorda omane ;D

See hääl mis esmalt meenutas hüsteerilist naist~ metsikut kitse ~ hullunud koera~ paranormaalset nähtust~ osutus rebasepoisi hüüdeks oma mängukaaslasega taaskohtumiseks.

Üles ja alla~ veelkord~ Ring peale~ Alla ~ Üles ~ Otse üle tee~ Alla ~ sabad sirged ja käpad kerged.

Tartus juhtub asju
Toast välja minnes märkad neid~
Tuleb ikka sutsukene tuulduda~
Tuleb selgus südamesse

World of Variety

So you think you know something about your life..., you think that you live in the moment and there is a road in front of you to follow.
Stop.
All of a sudden it all can just dissapear.
There is everything in front of you. Your perspective changes and there is nothing you are sure of anymore.
All the things in your life start talking, all the past and all the future. Letters from here and there, opportunities and ideas, science and music, forest and ocean, healing and painting, politics and project writing, photography and traveling.
Mom tells to curl the hair and find a mate, be around people... They will support me until I find my own way to get the bread to the table... They think how could I use my (brain) capacity the best.
Maybe I am just afraid to loose connection with the path of light and healing, when I step (back) into the world of science, oceanography or biology teacher...
Why am I interested in this then too? Why there is understanding and passion in me about physics and chemistry? Who needs my healing, oceans or people?

Is it possible to do it all together. Is there time?

You, friends from here and there, how are we supposed to be together, to create and share?
All is possible.
Trans-Siberian train, Mongolia, Japan, British Columbia, Yukon, Alaska, Estonia, Scotland, Sweden, Tibet, sailing around the World.


Maybe it is time to shake your world. I must say that it is not easy to be in this place and situation.
Though there is a degree of certain and specific joy in it. It is the end and beginning. Take one and throw another...

~


I am in love of Estonia now.
Natives we are.
Even peyote plants are growing here.

~

What is the time? It is Now

Here I write down a question for You.

Siin on küsimus Sulle.

We both ask to give us some feedback about how all this "Semiluuto" has influenced You, 

Palume teil anda meile tagasisidet selle kohta kuis "Semiluuto" on Sinu jaoks olemas,

how you feel and think about that, 

mida Sa tunned ja mõtled selle kohta,

what is good and what is bad ~

mis on halb ja mis on hea ~

let it all out,

lase kõik välja,

long or short,

pikalt või lühikeselt,

black and white or colourful.

mustvalgelt või värviliselt.

~

This is how we are going to move on,

Sedamoodi me kasvame ja areneme,

sharing ideas, 

jagades ideesid,

sharing lives.

jagades elusid.

Speaking our Truth.

Rääkides oma Tõde.

Maybe something moves in you when you read and then you think that it is not worth mentioning...

but IT IS! You are the One. We all are connected and we can use tool of verbal and written communication to see the world from different angles, to share how we see.

semiluuto@gmail.com

 

Võibolla midagi liigutub Sinus kui loed... siis aga jätad selle mainimata, sest arvad, et see pole seda väärt... aga tead mis, SEE ON! 

Me oleme kõik ühendatud ja meie kasutada on kõneline ja kirjaline suhlemine,

et saaksime maailma näha erinevatest vaatekohtadest,

jagada seda, mida läbi eneste kogeme.

semiluuto@gmail.com

Täname. Olge lahked.

Thank you for your kindness.

And now you can continue with what else came up today... :)

~~~~~~~~

Some things change. Some things do not change.

There is happiness and sadness bound to those realizations. Over it all goes peace. It is observation, it is allowance.

Every morning and every night when I go to sleep I say: "All of Life comes to me with Ease and Joy and Glory!" 
This is called manifestation. I have done it for years now. As I look back to my life lived since I started that, I have to say, that it is truth. This is how my life is being created.
I am the Creator of my life. I am learning to listen to my Spirit, to listen to the Universe. It can take different forms and it can be called with different names. Some of those who are on this path, call themselves as yogis, some of them markames, shamans and so on.

I am from a place on Earth, where we do not have wide-known traditions. Estonians are the most irreligional people on the planet... (by Wikipedia) All that gives us a chance to go along with the energetical changes happening in those times of Now. Light is growing stronger and so are shadows. First things I heard about when I came to Estonia were this economical crisis (called MASU over here - new word is even being created!) and loss of jobs and salaries.
My first reaction was that I want to go back there where I just came from - West coast of Canada, beautiful British Columbia, Vancouver Island.

Then I was reminded to be where I am. This is a doorway to inner peace. I went along with my brother who has created a space to live, which is wood-heated and in an old house, made out of wood. This is a yin-apartment, not so much light from outside. But there is not much light out there anyways. Sky is gray and water is falling down in different forms.

Just here, in this sweet and warm cave I am taking my time to rest and give time to the body to adjust with the different time and environment, temperature and food.
The training I used to take part for 3 years, has evolved and moved on. It is called BodyMindSchool (KehaMeeleKool) Gladly there is space for me to go and tap myself in, to wake up some skills which are there in my body-memory and also to go and understand it from another level. This year of being a traveller has taught me something about the World. I am understood there too. Now it is time to move on and create something new. It is all coming.

Marian. There is the Light. Tartu. Estonia.

Friends of my brother and friends of mine are joining together, those who's hearts have directions in common. It is celebration of Life. It is a gift for me here to see how the community awakes and grows and World really comes together.

Sander. Just come along. Tartu. In the Kitchen.

I am supported by various people and their actions around the world. I am sure to find the right information on the right time. Be free to share your insights and inspirations. I see that it is happening every day - that people realize that the answers cannot be found from outside, they are there, inside.
So decide to get to know yourself better and your issues will be solved, step by step.

You are the change you want to see in the world. There is nowhere to push it forward. Look through the illusions and choose what is right for the Heart, not for the mind. Because mind created world is degrading and falling apart. New children are being born who know what they are doing here, they are well connected with their Spirits and as they grow, they are going to build up the societies where the voice of the mind is used wisely, controlled, not controlling.

For those who are somewhere in the middle of this change, things can be challenging and confusing at certain times. It is a lesson to go through, it is there for us to wake up and let go of the things we are trained to think and have and worry about.
It is all about trust and simplicity and freedom.

Freedom to eat well, to live in balance, to have good friends around and to do what is fulfilling and motivating.

So, if you happen to have ask time next time, take a look at your wrist (and jewelery there) and see that the Time Is Now ~

~alleaa~

Lumesajus / In the Rain of Snow

This is how it goes that my mind goes into the mode of "speak Estonian now". Cause this is what the other people do around me.

Still, some things cannot be understood by some of you unless I write them down in English. And also this is the connection with the World I am part of. This language reminds me the time I have been there.

It is here too, the World. It is just different.
Waves of life I have lived here swipe over me. I just have to go along, cause I am water. I dissolve. And still, I am. If I let my heart speak, it is not hard. It is as it is. Game of life, different scenes around.
As I have seen it from aside, it looks new and interesting, it makes more sense. And I make more sense too.
The place and culture space where we grow up, shapes our understanding and view to the World. It gives us like glasses to look through. We see as much the glasses are transparent, maybe coloured, maybe framed...
And then, when we go somewhere else, we see that people are wearing different glasses over there!
Sometimes this gives us a chance to get rid of glasses too. It makes us realize what is what. That everything just IS. Usually we judge and create an opinion. But there is another way too, and this way can be surprising.
And this way has its own steps and turns and mists and stop signs. Still, it goes, changes and moves you and you will never return.

Fire is the same, here or there.
That is why it is so great to lit it over here. To sit with it with my brother in his high-ceiling'ed home. Feeling Estonian life around. Being so with the fire still, that there is no difference in places. I just am. Here.


First sight gives a feeling that life is not so easy in Estonia. That there is not an option to just find things from the streets...., so you have to go and buy. I will see. I am looking for all the other options, manifestation and luck. I have been trained to find what I need. I trust that this will happen here too. Cause maybe there is not much I really need and there is less that I want.


Yes, it is raining snow.
It is raining something white over brown and grey.
And shower is in the corridor...

Meis kõigis ON We all have IT

ARM

SUS


VAB A SUS
AR M US
VAB ARMS US



MUS



~

LOV'


YOU'S

FREE U'
LOV' U'S
FRE LOV U'S


ME'S

I sing goodbye, I am flying~

I love that I am here now. That I know that there will a plane to catch tomorrow. That this is the last full day I have here. I feel epic. I feel beauty. Sun is on the porch and Aubrey slept there - surprise for all of us. Yogi tea and green smoothy.
Anthony Coppings is offering music.
Mother and family plans to pick me up. I decided that I want to get to the countryside on the same evening. To ground. To land.

I feel sad. I feel happy. I feel blessed to experience that all now. To leave a place and people behind, without knowing if I will ever see them...it is so beautiful. I love it in a strange and painful way. This pain is like the pain when you stretch your body - you do it cause you will become more flexible...and the pain goes away too, it vanishes if you let go.


The Ocean is down there, it will always be. Even if I am not here.

I listened to Catherine and Michael, my house-family, mother and son, when we were driving around last night, finding food... and listening to 80's love-rock loudly sometimes. Mount Tolmie gave me a good sight over the city, lights, moon on the water, islands. I am on a tip of the Vancouver Island. This whole perspective to feel that I am on this spot on the Earth, seeing all that around what is here. And then I will be somewhere else, so far...and all what is there, is around me all of a sudden.

What am I?  -  just a pattern of light, having a form, but still being free from that too. I will fly over the time and oceans, over the rainbows and rainclouds, I will fly towards the sun, towards sunrise.

Goodbye dear land,
land which reminded me much. I am waking up to myself. I am seeing the wonders, places I have dreamed of.
Yeah, I pick my favourite things to take with me, but the most favourite thing - this place and people - I will not take with me. Some things will maybe remind me all that.. that's why whe have things in life. To be part of the world which is outside, to create reality, to protect and guide you, to give you a shape and color...


Farewell my dear ones~ See you later~

Being away from Estonia has helped to create and have all the stories to share with you. And for those who have been in another place, reading them - maybe you have got a feeling about those places I have seen. I hope that I have been a window to another worlds and realities. And it has been a connection with all of you too for me.
Thank you for reading and being there.

I am not going back. I am going forward. This path is being created now.

We will see again when the time comes. This or another life.

~/\~

In Love I am. In Love Of Life.

This is the beach I go down to,

to play wolf-songs,

to give thanks to Mother Ocean,

to feel cold water on the skin,

to sit and climb on the logs,

to have fire

and to see the Moon.

Give Time

Just now I am learning how to give time to yourself. Weakness and cough came to teach me to slow down even when it seems that there are lots of things to do - like it always seems, when you get closer to travelling, moving, packing... But this movement which is going to take place so soon, will just happen on its right time. And when there are things I have to do before that, I will do them when I will do them. No need to plan so much and think about those things all the time. Waste of time!

And when body is weak, then it is time to do nothing. To surrender to this flow, not to try to fight and be strong and be more than I am at this time. I think this is the sickness of trying to  be sucessful and worthy in the eyes of somebody else, in the eyes of the society (we are just trained like that). But actually there are not many people who see further than their own nose. So, it is kind of selfish to think that they all measure you and count all your mistakes and acts - no, they are busy with thinking their own problems. Observe yourself and see how much you know about the emotional states of people around you. Do you really know what is going on with them? Do you know what are their eyes talking about (it is usually different from what comes out of the mouth...)?

It is beautiful to be away from Estonia. Things over there look a bit epic now, some things make more sense and it is easier to observe and be objective. Soviet shadow is still hanging in the ether. Politics and all this game is pretty dirty sometimes. We are technologically developed, but that means also that we are dependant of self-phones... we are waiting for somebody to call to us. And it is hard to have a work when you do not have a self-phone! I was so use to have it too. But now when I have been free from it for a year, I feel so happy and I do not know yet if I want to join the web again.
Not having a phone makes you go and visit your friends when you really want to meet with them. Internet can be handy too, writing e-mails... and arranging meetings. And then when things doesn't take place, you miss the meeting or letter, then you are out there, pursued to use your intuition. You just have to get better on that then! And you certainly will.

Moon is almost full.
Energy is high and nights are light - time to do.

I am finding pleasure on doing things with hands - medicine bag, flute-bag, fixing and improving this and that...writing, making envelopes... I realized that I have to slow down in order to reach the mind-state when I start doing the things I have always thought of doing, those things you like doing, but it usually seems that there is not enough time for it and so you put it aside.
What if you wake up after 20 years and realize that you haven't done those things at all! And all of a sudden you are getting older and you see that there is less time left than you have lived already!
Actually, you will never know (unless you listen to your intuition well ;) when is your time to leave.
So, better start living your dream right away!

WorldComesTogether

World COMES together ~ One way or another ~ World COMES together

IT
IS

~

In the Matrix

One evening you wake up and just feel that there is always something more happening than your mind can crasp in the regular awake mode. I just knew that I have to watch the movie "Matrix" again. It was lost in the house but my strong intention brought it out visible for me.

I saw something I hadn't seen there before. It was almost like I saw it for the first time. So many details and almost all the sentences have some meaning, if you dig into them.
As Native American's understand in their tradition that words should be used with caution and awareness, cause the words create the reality, our science is now also realizing that. "What the bleep do we know?" goes down the rabbithole pretty well. It is just amazing to realize that white people have killed red people just because they thought that they are primitive and stupid and on the way... and now we are discovering the truths they knew for such a long time..., we have almost killed them and now some of us are trying to find what is still left from their wisdom.
We are all same people, people of the Earth.
It is time to listen and be silent, to observe and open your heart - if we stop our mind's bla-bla, only then we can see that there is more in the world, there are all those other minds around us.. and even there are something, which can be mindless, it can excist without thinking... it is the heartbeat of the Universe. Talking to us without words. Only our Hearts can understand that. And this requires to listen to your Heart.


I have my last days in Canada. It is all so ripe here. I meet with people I am supposed to meet. I inspire them and I get inspired. I feel Family. It is becoming more and more visible. Time is sorting things out - some people come and go and be somewhere there, maybe time will bring them closer later on. Other people come and stay in the hearts. With them there is this easy and light connection which will be strong even when no words are being used, no letters exchanged. And when comes time to meet again, there is understanding.

Earthdance took place here, Victoria, yesterday. About 500 people held their hands and moved in spiral, meeting with each other through movement and shared joy. Throughout all the event it was so beautiful to see those flexible and beautiful souls dancing, laughing, moving, standing, learning from each other and living through their inner struggles. It is a protective space when people with raising awareness gather together. It is easy to find friends amongst those people.
My inner child got really excited about facepaintings and so I sat down there, in front of this beautiful sunshiny woman who appeared to know me as a boatwoman (we stepped by from their family's house in Sidney, while the boat was there, getting ready to sail, her husband is a woodworker and gave us some good tips!). I became a Forest Woman, feeling magical and so happy that I can allow myself to play!

When I walked on the streets today, people said hello to me, just because I looked into their eyes.
I went to a mission too. I decided to give the last money I have to a friend, who is making native flutes. I felt that this has to happen that I will take on of them with me. I tried them out, I felt how different they all are, how they heal through the spirit of the plant and a flutemaker.
My flute is like a branch. It is from Rivendell, a healing place in Vancouver Island. Grandmother Maple donated those branches to the flutemaker Craig, so the wisdom and healing can be alive, while the tree is dead in her primal existence.
All this story vibrated along with me and those holes felt so right under my fingers.
I had carried US dollars with me from Estonia. As I went to look around to find a exchange rate for those, I met with a woman who appears to be a musician in a great local band, playing Serbian music, we had a nice talk :) And as it all flowed so well and beautiful, I just knew it is right to support this friend and to support my sould with this music which can come out now! Goodbye dollars, from US and Canada! Graig gave 20 Canadian ones back to me, just because God told him to do so. You cannot argue with those things really!
His page - http://www.templewindflutes.com



As I walked home, being so happy and also tired, this guy thanked me for my beautiful smile. He asked if he could follow me home, would I keep him?
I said I do not have home. He said that he doesn't either.
I continued walking...and thinking....that why was I still afraid a bit? Why couldn't I go and just speak with him, listen to his story and stay free too, just acting with love and compassion.
Well, I guess there is more to learn about not being afraid and listening to the moments. I will wait for the next time and then I will do it! Face this fear and go and talk with a total stranger, give him/her some unconditional love.

Cause this is all we ever need.


Go and love a stranger!
:)
This stranger can be your next best friend!

The Next Message...

...is where you are when you hear the next message.
Whenever you are ready you'll hear the next message.
The interesting thing is there is always a next message and it's always available to you.
Now!
That's a hard one!
The handwriting is always on the wall saying:

Magic Theatre
For Madmen Only
Price of Admission:
Your Mind

Always there, question is:
Can you see it?


by Ram Dass





***


What is happening with me is Remembering.
I wake into the world so unknow and jet so known. It is like smelling something which brings you feelings that you know this smell, but you do not remember how you know that and you do not remember where was it... But you Remeber. You recognize. And it feels like the Whole World is there, right now, in this very breath, in this moment of smelling the night, the forest and the starts. Big Dipper is up there with the Northern Star. And all your friends are all at once in your Heart. All the feelings are so big and true. And at the same time you are so alone and so empty. Just a space. Just a smeller. Just a wind. This White Wind I am now.


***

I love you.
I love the space and empty fullness I crasp just now, in this rooted moment, where it doesn't matter where I am. It doesn't matter what language I use. It is all one. Light is One. I am Light. My love is all love. I dissapear. You are love. We are the same love. As much as I see you, you see me.

Once you follow yourself, you find that there is no you anymore.

There is just Light on the Path.

***

Visual moments of this Summer

Now when the days give us more rain again in here, Victoria BC, 

it is great to look back to the summer. 

It also means saying goodbye to lots of people and places. 

Lessons of letting go.

This is a brief glance here, more photos will be somewhere soon enough. 

Fire is burning in the fireplace and tea is smelling good...

M6ned pildihetked sellest suvest.

Nyyd kui p2evades on rohkem vihma ja s6brad asuvad r2nnuteile, on minuni j6udnud j22dvustused, mida saan teiega jagada.

Vast tuleb neid rohkemgi n2htavale m6ne aja p2rast.

Kaminas on tuli ja tee aurab maitsvalt...

*

So, this is the trip to Sidney, Freya's last time without masts. Hilary and Ty are up there and I was just enjoying it all. / Retk Sidney'sse, Freya viimne teekond ilma mastideta. Hilary ja Ty seal jutustamas ja mus on ilmselge r66m.

August 2009, BC, Canada

Skipper. Tacking against the wind out from Ganges Bay on our first sailing trip from Salt Spring to Galiano. / Tyyrinaine. Pautisime vastutuult saarte vahel. Treening.

September 2009

All 3 sails up there. Jib. Fore. Main.

K6ik kolm purje. (eestikeelsed s6nad mul veel 6ppimata..:)

While I was turning the wheel, guys were working with lines. We had a nice heel too!

Jason, Oliver, Dylan.

/

Siis kui ma tyyrisin, olid poisid otsadega tegelemas. Kreen oli vahel p2ris kena!

Towards the Dreams

Unistuste Poole

Maagiline Maailm on Merel.

T2nan Ilma, et see k6ik on juhtunud minuga.

You are Loved

*

The Day of Miracles

Well. A book called "A New Light on Ascension" by Diana Cooper had huge impact to my day. I realized that I have changed and I have been lost. That I am now ready to follow exercises and meditations provided in this book. I am getting into the connection with the Spirit.

As I was walking towards free moksha yoga class, so happy with my decision to go there, I met a man I was just thinking to meet. We didn't have each others contacts. But there he was.

Later on the day I created a blogsite for Freya stories. This is sharing of our summer and of our commitment. I have put myself into it and this energy carried me to manifest this page - freyatheschooner.wordpress.com

There are some pictures already, more will come.
I take it as a game... we will see how it goes and grows and it will all happen only when it has to happen.

Then Azelia wanted to give me Sacred Fire Community newsletter, she asked me to call if I can come and meet up to go to see Grandmother Ocean. Well, payphone didn't get my message, so I went down to the ocean with a good hope and wish to find her and that she will go there even without getting any word from me.

I looked around, not seeing her. Well, I will just go down to the beach then. And there, there was another woman, girl that I just met on last weekend, we ran into each other yesterday too! What a coincidence! This meeting had to happen. She is sharing a path with me. Her mother is a healer, soundhealing and other things. She sings and plays piano... There is more to discover. And from the first moment I saw her, I felt so familiar...
Now we arranged a dinner. We followed guidance.

And as we walked up from the stairs and were about to say goodbye, Azelia walked towards us!
Perfect timing!

So,
this is how things are happening Now, in the Non-Sequential, Non-Logical Miraculous Reality.
Hard to think and plan anymore. I am guided, we are guided to give up all that and just trust the moment.

I can walk in the leaves which are on the ground...
Incence sticks were waiting for me on a freepile...
Sunset was so serene and light...
Finally I am finding myself again, funny that I am leaving this place now, just when it is all going easier. But I do not resist. I AM guided.

"Spare some change!"

http://jakecollier.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/homeless-man.jpg

Spare some change!
.
Spare some change.
.
Spare some change!
.

This day I had walked by from one homeless guy on the street. I walked by, but I carried him with me. I looked back. I thought back.
I stepped into a book shop, used books. It is the biggest around. And they have so many books there. I was looking for Ram Dass "Be Here Now". It wasn't there. But another one was - "How can I help?" I opened it and read....how we make difference who to help. How our family is closer to us than somebody else's family. And how we pass by from the people on the streets. We even don't dare to watch them. And we don't dare to see other people on the street either. What about smiling to them?
On the public transport or other busy places we find ourselves so interested in our shoes..or ceiling... or just nothing... something to keep us away from connection with a fellow human.

I bought a book about angels. Diana Cooper.
What am I looking for?
Help.
I am looking for myself.
This is so weird that I think that books will help. Maybe they will.
And from the library I have taken lots of books. About interesting things. Natives and peaceful warrior, medicine woman and prayers, chinese medicine and herbs... I just feel like learning.
Then again I realize that I might know myself. That those books are just tools.., I am the worker.
I am healer.
Why am I so lost sometimes?
Why is this world so sick?

I continued walking on the streets.
Another man on the street.
His voice sounded like a broken branch. He was wearing dark glasses and white stick was with him. He was sitting on a bench, white plastic bucket in his hands.
"Spare some change!
Spare some change!"

I stopped. Somehow the fact that he was blind, gave me more courage. I took 2 dollars from my moneybag and went close to him. I gave him the money and then I talked with him.
Tomorrow they will make bloodtest to him and day after tomorrow one of his kidneys will be removed. He can barely walk. He is asking money for food.
I asked if he has home and he said that he has a place that might be called as home, but it is a bunk, it is a place with broken lights and mice running around. He doesn't see that but others have told him that.
"They do not care."
"Who?"
"Government. There is so much food waste, but nobody gives that to us. They throw it into garbage and get insurance money from that."

I listened and thought about us, freegans of Victoria, young people finding free food from dumpsters, finding free furniture and clothes from the street... What makes us different from this guy on the street?
His mother died 2 months ago. He has had sight but now he is blind. Nobody wants to employ him.

I thank him for being there. For giving others a chance to feel compassion.
Chance to share. Chance to dare.
It was a challenge to me.
Also when I walked away, hearing his continuous pitiful shouts - "Spare some change..", I was almost crying.
So this is the world.
We go and buy more things to satisfy our wantings, we are proud to earn a lot of money and wear expensive perfume from France...we struggle in our spiritual searches, we go and shop in fancy organic markets and think that if we get ourselves a good yoga clothes and go and sweat a lot in moksha yoga....then this will be enough.

If I help friends, but I do not care about people on the streets - am I compassionate?

I feel the feelings of the World.
Paavo says that it is normal. I am those feelings.
It is true.
Also it is challenging. Cause some people feel so lost, sad and unhappy..., mistreated and abused, not listened and not loved. I feel that too.
Where comes the change?

Still.
I am positive.
I know that it starts with Love.
I Love.
I love myself and then I can love the others.
I feel compassion, but I cannot go along. Life is a gift.

It is time to take responsibility for us all. It is time to see and choose. It is time to wake up and act. It is time to care and open our hearts to the Now. Be Here Now. I am looking for that. But this is something I know within. This IS.

~May we be guided into our highest wisdom, unity and connection.
May our spirits talk through us,
may our bodies be clean temples for the Light.~