31 August 2009

Sailing magic to Galiano

First sailing trip to Galiano with Maria Mahoy, Oliver's boat. 7 people on board. Sometimes not so much wind, so we motored. But water, all the time!
And beauty, sunset.
Magical party happened, I was Estonian Witch with Moon hanging on my neck.
Magical was it all. The place where we were - colourful, abuntant, wild and outside. Small cabins, buses, trailers, mushroom-houses, pool - connected with forest paths, decorated with all you can imagine. Candles, lights, small important and unimportant things. Wonderful wonderland. Freedom of mind and creativity!
And we sailed back, raced a bit. Cooked cookies and watched the sunset when we got to Sidney. My night in Freya,
songs with guitar and in the morning Jason shared his pain about Afganistan - that his tax goes there to kill people.
What a crazy world we are living in!

So let the love guide us~

26 August 2009

White Sails

This is the last week when all of us (boat crew) are together, working towards getting the sails ready to sail. Big white clouds have fulfilled the living room of Redfern residence. Some of the roommates are getting a bit tired about climbing over them and seeing us so caught up in the process. So, amongst the work with the sails, we have to work on human relationships too. And actually this is something more valuable and long-term thing than the sails. They come and go, break down and get fixed again and again.

I walk home in the nights. Empty streets. Filled with random free stuff. Stars.

Fall is in the air. Sweet sadness of leaving. Leaves are leaving the trees too.
There is something so special and beautiful in that. Maybe the tears. Maybe the realization about the seasons and how things come, bloom and then go. And there is this space to look back and see what have you done and you can see all the stories there. Fun times and confusing times and through all that I see how I have made friends, how I have found trust.
Just yesterday when I was driving with Dylan's car, on a mission of picking things and people up and down, I felt that all this has come into my life here, in this summer. I have spent the summer here!
I am inside the life.
And I went along to a free concert last night in downtown. Biking downthehill in fresh and goodsmelling night full of lights.
I stood there. And I saw people I had seen before. Familiarity.
Tartu, the University-Town in Estonia, this feeling came to me - everybody knows everybody and everywhere you go, there is somebody you have met before. It feels like being in a family. It is very various and you will never know what will happen next.
I like this feeling of being alive in all that, being able to hug people, to say something good to them, to enjoy this life, move my body in the music and take some risks...

Jason said that we can climb the bridge. The blue bridge which will rise up when the boats want to go trough. I thought I might not be able to do it. That I might be afraid. But I went along. With Megan and Jason. And there I was, on top of the metal construction, feeling every car who drove over the bridge... thinking for a second what will happen when the bridge will start to move....
and then letting go. Accepting and enjoying it.
Sneaking around the laws and fences... this can be freedom in mind.

In the middle of the night I biked back. Stopped in the footballfield and did Five Tibetian exercises. Every night I have done them in different places in recent days. Park. Cemetary. Footballfield. Garden.
Feels great to overcome disturbing thoughts and just do it, even when I am tired, even when the day is about to end... To live.

To live, not to survive!

22 August 2009


Healing Tears

Life becomes so real when a guy who seems usually a bit distant and in his own world, calling me crazy, comes into the house and just falls to the couch, tears in his eyes. He broke up with the girl and he is so wasted that he doesn't like that at all... And all of a sudden all the sadness and stories of his life are alltogether, so real and strong. I stop my writing and I go and sit down to him, feeling so serious, wishing to help him.
He has done his best but that wasn't enough. All his efforts seem to be wasted.
He wants to be drunk and waisted as hell, cause there is nothing else he can see.
And I feel sad, understanding and sharing his feelings.
Yet, as he feels so weak and unworthy, I see it as a strength. I thank him for being so strong in his weakness.

I make a tea. Sudden strength comes into me. I am so grateful to him to open up so much. I feel connection now and I feel a calling from his soul. This makes me realize that my calling to be a healer is again right. That my sorrows and sadnesses are so small. My life this time is meant to be for serving the others, my own growth and learning comes through that. I am here to walk over the bridges and to give hands.

And as I found this inspiration to help him in his situation I also realized that this is the way I am supposed to help myself when I feel low, sad and useless.
There is always Light to choose. Path of the Light is waiting for us. We just are blinded with our sorrows and stories that we turn our eyes from that, even when we are aware of this option.

It is easy to turn and connect with another wound, with another hurt-one. To find a similar shadow.
It takes courage to look higher, to look into the light and to stretch your back and go pass your fears and dramas.
This is why we are here, on the Earth.
To find a path to the Light.
We try to kill ourselves, to drink, to smoke, to eat bad, to take drugs... just because we do not love ourselves. Just because we think we are not worthy. Worthy of things to come into our lives with ease and joy and glory.
We continue creating misery and disappointment into our lives with our thoughts.
It is hard to face that. To take responsibility of our thoughts and acts.
It is there, waiting to take a lead, to choose and to be free.

I tell it all to myself again and again. I find new proofs to that and it sinks into me deeper and deeper. Why can't I get it all at once and will be free, will be enlighted... This is just the way things work on the Earth. It is slow. But steady.
Surrendering is the key.

It is so hard to let go of the need to do much. To rush. To Do Something Important!
I think this is the sickness of our world.
Gladly, there is a girl, woman, in my house, Elizabeth. And being with her is like doing nothing. It is like choosing less. Choosing a path into simplicity and clarity. People do not like less. People like more. That is why she is not seen by many, not connected with many. But she is. And I am learning to see her. And together we teach each other. I encourage her and she encourages me.

People are mysterious. Never judge or assume anything. Just listen to them. Let your thoughts go. Let it be.

/I found Deva Premal "Love is Space" from the street. Listening./

21 August 2009

Fall and Rise

I can smell it. I can feel it. Stars are falling in the darker and darker nights. Still there is some warmth. Summer knows that soon comes the time to fade, so He gives His best to impress us, to show His affection. And we like it too. We appreciate His hugs. Still, we know that this is the hug of goodbye. Fall is whispering its tender and soothing words, letting us to meet with the fruits of what we have grown. Also She brings us some sadness, this beauty of falling leaves. And we can light the candle and say sincere words to the dear ones around.

"You have chosen the life of gypsy," he told me when I asked what happens if I do not come back here... Tears in my eyes I felt. The team of Freya will spread soon, just two weeks more. Life guides everybody into a different direction. And after all that I will go too. And I do not know if I will ever come back, I do not know what the life will bring to me.
Have I chosen the life of a gypsy, following the wind?
He, Ty, told me that some people will always remember me, the angel, who came into their lives and brought light with her.
"I haven't choose that. Can you choose the winds?" I told.

So pure and beautiful it all is. I feel small in the middle of this big Life, happening and guiding us, giving us some clues, still we are unaware and stupid enough, maybe blessed, not to know what is going to happen. How are the lives of people being bound and torn apart and brought back together. We wish and we want to control. Yet, what can a drop of water in the ocean do when the wave taking her along to a stormy adventure, shores far abroad...

Then turned on the music which was with me when I was in Haapsalu. Paavo has put together this mixture. And you can listen to it too :

I connected myself with the Internet. Last night under the stars I realized that Internet is something so natural for us now. It is so vast. And people keep adding information to it. And it feels so natural to find answers to all our questions from there. It is like this mutual energyfield, informationsource, we all build up and we all can access. It is enormous and beautiful. We use simple system of zeros and ones to store it all, we have machines to understand those codes...
It might be a step on our way to connectedness, connection even without computers and storage places. It is going to be very intuitive and ever-accessable. It is there already. Just we are not ready for that. We are learning and preparing ourselves. And then it will happen, so naturally that we might not even notice.

The Signs.
One reference letter for Chinese Medicine school just came to me. And I read it with wonder and tears. Strong reflextion of me. I am stunned to see this sight from aside, myself from a distant, from a man I highly admire and appreciate, the Master of Neijing Chinese Medicine School in Haapsalu, Estonia.
And then I got a letter from the School, saying that they got the letter. And the time I recieved that was 12:12.
I know that it is what I am supposed to do.
It is hard to trust it all sometimes. Cause I still do not know how it will all come together, how will I find al the money I need, how can I go trough the process of getting visa. And then how can I cope with the longing for Estonian language, dear friends there... Huh. It is just much sometimes. And this unknowingness - how it will all be together, all those people and places in my life.
And Mother is missing me, is calling me back. I know that, I miss it all too. Still. I am here. I am called to be a Healer.
It becomes more and more clear to me.
And even when I start to doubt from time to time, I am guided back to this track. And whatever form it will take, I have to surrender.
I believe I will recognize my path to follow.
All the dear people here and on the other side of the ocean will be in my Heart. And the Heart is expanding and going to be big enough to fit you all in. To be with all of it.

Thank you all who make my stories epic for me to live.
And believe me, your stories are as epic for me. And get inspired and I continue my path here. This the gift we share with each other.
In the
Felloship of Light.

20 August 2009

5 Big Canadian Boys and Estonian Mama on the Boat

I feel like it is a continuous story now - this boat, Freya (Frayja) and all around it.
She is full now - having masts on her feels like a sacred union of female and male aspect. This is how sailboats give you a feeling of wholeness.
So much fun goes around that.
And much learning in every sense. Learning about sails and rigging. Riggers Apprenticeship and Sailors Apprenticeship - our bibles.

So, this is clear now that I am bound to the boat, my blood is under the main mast with all the blood from those 5 Canadian guys. Small white feather took this mission onto herself. She is carrying it all now, all the weight of the big 45 feet tall mast. She is sharing it with the sister Sage. Sage is our grounding, purification and clarity. There was a penny from the year 1901 under the foremast before. But we lost it mysteriously. Money didn´t really mean so much to us either.
Lavender took its place. Her fragrance is guiding us towards the dreams with her sweetness.

All those words around me, words in English, in the language of seamen. This is another world, reality. I do my best to keep myself in the wave. It is here with a reason. I am in it. Maybe some day I can give advice when somebody is going to step the mast of a wooden boat. Shrouds and lines - everything has to be in its right place and order.

Of course we didn`t do all right at the first place. Ollie and Ty and Jason went up there in turns, hanging on a crane and changing the places of some stays and and shrouds. Dylan made two new deadeyes and we pulled line through them, making masts more stable. I learned some linework, knots and stuff. Leatherwork is also around. I found myself loving to be inside a big deer(or elk)hide. Some old instincts woke up when I was sitting there on the ground, leather wrapped around me. I felt like sitting forever like that, being invisible amongst the dried grass...

I am realizing that I am good at finding stories. But sometimes they do not matter to other people around me. And this is what I have to learn that I do not have to tell them to those who do not feel like listening. Some things which are important and interesting for me are not exiting enough to stop their thinking-doing process.
"What do I do with those stories then?" I ask from myself. Why do the appear for me? Is this the way it is suppose to be? Am I meant to share those or to just wonder around and feel blessed that I notice them.
Oh, they are sometimes so small and in whispers that only way to see and feel them is to be as silent as you can. And to think nothing. Just letting yourself to be carried by them.

Worlds inside and outside seem to be different. Heh. What a found! Some information and connection in the level of the spirit is so easy and smooth and true. But then comes the Earthly existence and minds in between, borders and lines and customs and habits and moods and this all. And I feel confused - are my dreams and visions, subtle voices and realizations real? Where are they from? Are they from this time or from another time and space?
Should I listen to them and dare to live them, even if the "reality" is telling me something else with its illusions and stories?

I find myself being this small girl again - asking questions about the world and universe, me and the others. And again - there are not many people around who come along with me, who take me seriously. Who listen. I guess answers are around. I will find them and they are trying to make themselves visible and hearable. I am just too loud for that.
And there comes the question - are those things for sharing or keeping for myself - cause the answers are mine to find anyways...
I just hope I do not trash the world with my words and sentences.


So, today we washed the sails. Big white wings were laid down on top of the tarps. Yesterday we grainded 6 loafs of scented soap and put it into the rubber-pool with water and sails in it - to soak overnight. Today they were wet and soapy and we rubbed them with sponges. Lots of water and crawling around. Water went darker - so I guess the sails went whiter. Although it was hard to see that. What we saw were the holes and places to work on - some sewing has to take place! Tomorrow....


Even though I am tired of all this action, big acts and communication, those loud guys and running around... I feel that I love it. This is it. This is the story of Freya, the schooner. And this is the story of my life. Adventures. Hard and easy times, mixed together. And I love to have this dark nighttime when everybody is asleep and I am typing here, to share it with you, with the world, with whoever is coming around to read it.
Good and bad - this is the same.
"Love it!" I tell to myself.
Love feeling tired.
Love feeling grumpy.
Love feeling like doing nothing.
Love letting all pass by.
Love feeling enthusiastic.
Love feeling in love.
Just love it!

I continue walking on the path of "loving myself". This is the journey.
It is not about survival.
It is about living it!
Living the dreams~~

What I loved the most today was picking the figs just next to a big supermarket centre..., just over the fence there. It might be somebodys garden. But the figs are ripe and just waiting to be eaten. So we save them.
Tonight I touched them to feel which ones are ripe, so sweet and soft! Now I know how it feels. And this is a blessing. Once I dreamed about that. It is here now.

13 August 2009

Island in North and Mothers and Elders

Under a cedar tree ~ this is where I slept for two nights, in a natural shelter. And I stayed dry, even though it was raining pretty much.
I learned trust and simplicity ~ nature takes care of us.
I heard animals in the nighttime, but white light surrounded me, so I was safe.

It was on Read Island, the northest place I have been around here. We had to hitchike a boat to get there. Music and community festival was happening and gladly I was taken along. Beautiful people and dancing~

The others left and stayed behind, meeting with new friends, facing adventure.
I am grateful that it happened like this,
I swam in the ocean, full of stardust, in the nighttime. Magical and warm.
Musicians reminded me to create music, to be in the music again, more.
Art and creation ~ this is the way to free the mind,
to do nothing while doing so much. It is a mission and freedom.

I met with a woman, GypsyMama, who had things to remind me. Lightwork and trust, magic and angels. I am on my way, I have to be sure. To follow the path, to be clear and light.
To feed the body well, to meditate and purify.

So, the next day I went to get some good nuts and oil and I met with another woman, who's dream is to get a green van and to drive around and provide alternative remedies to people for healing.

It is so great to have a mother.
This trust and unconditional love and listening ~ I learn to appreciate this, I learn to notice this power.
I miss you, my friends,
lightworkers in the World.
My roots are in Estonia,
in the wild and small roads,
in the language and hugs.

It will all come together somehow,
people in English and people in Estonian,
my hearts bounds it.

Wherever my road is taking me, I am going to be here.
Here and now.
In love.

Thank you all~
May you fly and may you cry~

06 August 2009

Laughter and Sunrise

He got back to his car and saw that it was covered with bird shit. Lots of it.
And he started to laugh.

I passed by with a bike and felt joy. I laughed loud too.
Life is worth living when those things happen.


Mees tuli oma auto juurde tagasi ja n2gi, et see on kaetud linnusitaga. Korralikult.
Ja ta hakkas k6va h22lega naerma!

Mina naersin ka, rattaga m88dudes.
Sellised hetked loovad Elu Ime.


I woke up at 4:14 to go and see the sunrise on Mt. Finlayson. 20 minutes ride from Victoria.
We got there in the darkness. Ty and the girls.
Upthehill, for a long time.
Climbing on the rocks. Overcoming tiredness.
We all made it.
Naked moments and then the Sun rose, red and gracious.
Wonder of the Nature.
Earth seems so big and Sun so small. But they say it is vice versa. Subjective. Earth is a funny place to live. And days are long when we live with the Sun in North.
I said bye to Sun too.
Moon is shrinking now.


4:14 avasin silmad. J2rgmisel hetkel koputas Ty aknale. Hyppasin pykstesse ja pluusi ja astusin uksest v2lja. Korjasime teised tydrukud ka peale ja s6itsime linnast v2lja. Mt. Finlayson. M2gi.
Pimedas saime sinna ja alustasime teekonda. Tugevad jooksid. Mina olin keskmine. Andsin endast parima, katsusin leida v2simatut vaimu. J6udsin yles, yle kivide ja k2ndude ja kaljul ronimise. Paljalt P2ikesele vastu. Ta t6usiski, punane ja s2rav.
Algab p2ev nii v2rskelt ja l6hnavalt.
Pyha ja vaikne.
Ytlesin P2ikesele ka headaega, t2na 6htul. Yks ring ja keerutus. Maa tundub nii suur ja P2ike v2ike, kui vaadata m2elt maailma. Nad ytlevad et on vastupidi, P2ike suur ja Maa v2ike. Subjektiivsus. Maa-Ilmaline vaatlemine.

Kuu hakkas kahanema.
Aeg anda.


02 August 2009

Sacred Trails on the Island

Cow Bay, Flores Island, BC.

( - thanks for the picture, somebody!)

"We will be at your house at 5 am - so you will come?"

Dylan, Emily (from Sweden), her mother Lotta and niece Anna and me, Marian - we left Victoria behind and drove up north, then west and moved on a water taxi and started a journey to an island. Flores.
Wind with me, mountains around, water from the ocean, rocks...., native reserves. And First Nation people on the boat, in the village.
Again with my backpack, weight of it... steps into the forest, to the beach, to the forest again and to the beach again. Trail lead further and further. First swim, naked and in the waves ~ fresh and free!

We got there, after 6 hours of hiking. Cow bay.
So warm was this day, like in Mexico...
And then, I had my first sight to the endless ocean. Pacific Ocean. Nothing more than ocean.
Whales there, I saw one of them for a second.

Magic around me.
I laid on a rock and it started to talk with me. About secrets. About the future. About my life.
And I listened.
An eagle flew over and I had a silence wish to find his feather.
This happened later, when I was fox-walking ~ the Feather just was there in front of my feet, when I looked down... How?! Really!?

I fell asleep, into the dreams. Then I woke up, did the exercises and went for a run, to the other side of the bay and back...then into the ocean which was painted colourful by the setting Sun... Red and everything.

Those days I spent wondering around. Dead sea lion and his smelling tooth. A man and his partner living in a hutch in the middle of this beauty and wilderness for 30 years. Solar panel and a boat.
Trail along the river, wolf and cougar tracks and then just me and Emily there, surrounded by the sacred silence, salmonberries, huckleberries and blueberries. Every step so different on the riverstones, barefoot. Holy ground. Just standing, in awe and bliss.

Another adventure to the next bay, just me ~ two grandfathers on one of the bays, with kayaks - they gave me cookies and kindness, I continued, climbed over the rocks and cliffs, worried if I can make it back cause the tide was getting higher with every moment and I didn't know the trails yet.
Abandoned hutch ~ books in German and English, kid toys, blackberry branches growing through the wooden floor. My lunch there. Boat in a bush.
I found my way back, I found the secret paths, my fear evaporated and I watched the grey ocean with growing peace in my mind. I climbed the rock to see, to feel how it is to be as far as I can, just me and black rocks, small plants and loudness of the ocean.

Oh, it is easy to feel afraid near this Ocean, with incoming tides on the unknown ground, on the beaches so untouched by human feet and minds. Wild.
And the forests are so old, oldest I have ever seen and felt. Red cedars so tall, mosses, ferns ~ all so gracefully on top of each other, sharing the space. And berries all around. Those forests are rich. It is possible to survive there, just eating the plants...
I am learning this wisdom. Dreams tell me, people come to my way to show.

Dylan caught a fish just when I got there. Snapper. And another one! Luck!
We returned to the camp on the darkness of our list night there, crab in the bag, fish hanging on the hooks, flowers and a big feather with me too. Fire was waiting there.
We went out to the rocks and I reminded my university time - how to cut the fish! It worked. Headlamps showed the light and guts and blood came out... I washed my knives, fillets and fishheads for the soup...
Feast. Garlic. Butter. Fish and crab on the fire!
Mother Earth is kind.

Life woke me up again 3 minutes before the alarm clock, like the day when I had to wake up at 4 am to get going... Trust, this is what I have been teached.
Long hike back. Treasures in my bag.
We missed one track and I took the rock-way. Lotta and Anna followed and it became an adventure. We created tracks to the untouched beaches. We had to make our way through the hard bushes..., climb over the rocks, with the heavy backpacks this time. Those things just happen with me, apparently :) They didn't complain and we made it, right on time! 15 minutes before the boat we were there.

Native Village, feels like in Mexico, close to my heart.
I will go back there. Rock told me so.

Tofino, touristic spot, holiday just now.
We went to eat out - weird, after cooking on a fire... But. In life one has to be flexible. Miso soup. Yoshi, my Japanese friend and his soup in my mind. Yes, this life is great!

So warm again, we took the road back. A lake. Memories from the childhood trips with the whole family - to the lake! Different family here now. Here and now.
Water so warm.
It is not illegal to have naked boobs here. So we did. I was to tired to worry or think and find my swimming suit... Killing is more legal than being naked. Funny world. Heh.

Setting sun and music about the rainbows. My brother, thank you for being with me. And Marco.
And all my life, my past - it is somehow with me as the future will bring us together, those of us, who have to meet again. Presence here. In this car on the road.
I felt so great,
peace and pleasure.
This land is my home today. Street names in English.
I understand and learn more each day.

Sweden is opening itself up too. I have friends to visit there now. So is the life unfolding and I keep on dreaming.

I imagined my parents here (as I saw Emily's mother here just now).... :) one day maybe.
And then I will have car to take us out,
or maybe we hitchike alltogether to take an Adventure! Just for the sake of adventure!

Steps on the planet Earth