Life of Learning

"Why don't you want to fly to Vancouver?!" they asked from me in the airport, when I asked them to make sure that my baggage will land in Amsterdam, not in Vancouver and that I am not taking part of the flight to Canada...
"Well, I have changed my mind..." I said, holding myself back from telling them all the story...
I scanned inside of myself when I was telling the same thing in Amsterdam to KLM-lady about my cancelled flight. I realized that with choosing not to fly further, I choose being grounded and stable. The idea of heading towards Canada, made me shiver...made me realize that back in there I will be in the air again...

What is wrong or what is right?
I noticed myself standing on the cross-road, turning my boat to the direction which seems right at the moment, leaving other paths behind, waiting for their turn to come or never to come.
This is the way we live lives. We choose.
I have been  putting an effort to find out what is right, what is the best for me? Well, this process can drive you mad when you deal with it too much.
Life is happening anyways.
Things do come to me when I stand still, when I do less, when I look closer and when I pay attention.
Big things are the same as small things.
Going to the world with just a backbag is a great thing to do. When I see that someone is doing it now, it reminds me that I have done it too. And in a way, I am still doing. Cause travelling is something which can happen inside and outside.
There is just time for everything.
There is no wrong or right.
It is just about choosing, not doubting.
Cause if you doubt, it makes you to press a "Pause" button. No movement, no change. Just constant anxiety and confusion. It ends when you grab something you see in this mist. It can be something really small. Something you like even when nothing seems likable...
And then,
you can just go on. Continue finding the things which inspire you, which make you feel motivated, which gives you a wish to live.

Life is a constant lesson and you can only get better on it!


So, I am in Belgium, in Gent. It is the same place we were with Sander just before we flew to Mexico. The same Estonian Girl lives here, just in another place. Leana. So, as I see, it is like a full circle now. What can be better!?
Sky is full-on misty and gray,
the bed I am sleeping in has a big red blanket and a movie called "Little Miss Sunshine" made me laugh alone in the room.
I can say, that I am happy.

Stiil ja Vabadus

Ma muidugi oskan raha ka hästi kulutada, leida midagi, mille vastu teda vahetada. Täna tajusin kuidagi eriti selgelt, milline naljakas mäng see on. Ma annan paberit ja siis saan haaknõelad vastu. Ja see, kes raha saab, on nii õnnelik. Ja mina olen rahul, et sain haaknõelu. Kõik peaks justkui hästi olema! Miks on siis mingi kiuks sees seal kohas, kus osad asjad tunduvad liiga kallid ja siis teiselt poolt ostavad firmad turundusfirmade teenuseid, et ikagi veenda inimesi oma toodete ostmise vajaduses. Kahepoolne õnn on ju eesmärgiks?

Kas on raske anda ja on kange tahtmine saada?

Maailm on ju me endi loodud, miks siis elame näilises puuduses? Meil on see üks planeet siin elamiseks, see on ümmargune ja omamoodi lõplik, on terviksüsteem. Seega peaks olema võimalik kõigil elada tervelt ja külluslikult, puudused tulevad vaid sellest, kui me ei ole osanud ressursse hästi jaotada.
Vaene on ju mõnes kohas suisa illegaalne olla. Näiteks USAsse sisenedes või ka teistesse esimese maailma heaoluriikidesse minna soovides on piiriametnikel õigus küsida, kui palju raha on sul pangaarvel, kus sa töötad ja kuhu lähed - kõlab nagu üli-uudishimulik vanaema, kes soovib info omamise kaudu kontrollida sind, isegi kui ta ei jõua igale poole kaasa tulla, kuhu sa lähed. Vähemasti tahab ta teada, mismoodi asjad on ja ega see polegi nii oluline, et kuidas sa end tunned ja et kas on tundeselgust ja mõtteerksust... oluline on pigem see, et kas on taskus palju raha ja oled tegemas midagi prestiižset, su tegemistel on tava-loogilised seletused ja sa oled lihtsasti jälgitav - küll pangakonto toimingute ja ka näiteks postkaartide ja hotellide ja kõiksugu selliste süsteemide kaudu.

Noh, võibolla polegi see halb.
Praegu lähen minagi lennuki peale kohvriga, seljas mantel ja jalas kenad saapad. Pealtpoolt vaadates võiks arvata, et ma olen peen preili. Kui läbi lumeraja lennujaama poole astusin ja ninast tatti välja nuuskasin, niimoodi suusatajate või vanade metsameeste moodi, siis mõtlesin küll, et ei tea, kas see läheb üleüldise "stiiliga" kokku...., või et kui ema seda näeks!?

Võibolla võin ma nüüd olla vahest ka "stiilipuhas", kui ma seda tugevasti otsustan ja arvan, et tasub proovida. Sest nüüd ma taipan, et ükskõik, millist vormi ma endal ka üll kannan, ei muuda see seda, milline ma olen. Niimoodi saab ka vähem vaielda, sest enda seisukoha tõestamine polegi eriti oluline enam. See on vaikselt ja kindlalt enda sees olemas, kuulamas uusi vaatenurki, ennast sirutamas ja avardamas. Ta pole enam ohustatud. Teda pole kunagi kaitsta vaja olnudki, naljakas, et kunagi siiski see vajalik tundus...

Lendan Amsterdami. Loodan, et ma Kanadasse ei lähe, kuigi see lend sinna lõpuks välja viib. Plaanin lihtsalt varem välja astuda, sest selle ajaga, mis olen Eestis olnud, on mu elu nii palju muutunud, et praegu Kanadasse minemine ei tundu esimese hooga nii vajalik. Ainult väike igatsusvalu on seal endast märku andmast, mind hullusele kutsumas. Pass on ju kaasas ja arvuti ja hambahari. See, kas mind riiki lubataks, on muidugi omaette küsimus. Aga küllap pika lennu jooksul jõuaks ka mõne hea loo välja mõelda. Ja mu praegune "stiil" lubaks mul vast kindlamalt sinna sisse sulanduda, jätta mulje, et olen mõni Ida-Euroopa tähtis preili, karvamüts peas ja arvuti kotis.
Mõnus on niimoodi mõelda.
Tunda seda, et ma olengi vaba, otsustama just nii, kuidas sel hetkel, kui on otsustamise aeg, kõige õigem tundub.
Nii ma lähengi,
homme.
Iga minemine on omamoodi lõplik.
Iga hüvastijätt on tähtis ja samas nii lihtne. Mis siin ikka nutta.
Elu tuleb ja läheb.

Mina lehvitan sellest aastast siitmaalt ja eks siis ole näha, mis edasi saab. Kell näitas 14:14 ja 2:22.
Head ended.

Messages of Love*Armastuse Sõnumid

This is my wish for the time of solstice and so called Christmas.

I take it as a time to share the warmth from the heart to friends met on the path of life.

It is time of darkness, at least here in Estonia.

But each day from now on there will be more light in our days and white snow is covering the land, trees and dirt.

*

See on mu jõulusoov.

On aeg jagada südame soojust nende imelistega, keda on õnn olnud kohata sel elurajal.

Pimeduse aeg on meil siin, kuid valgust on igasse päeva nüüd süttimas rohkem kui eile,

lumi katab valgeks maa ja puhtaks mustuse.

~*~

Ja siin on kõik ilus ja hea, mis minuga viimasel ajal on juhtunud ja minus helgib ja lehvitab,

on ühendus kurvilistest rännuteedest, ookeanide lainetusest ja mägede valgetest tippudest, suurtele küsimustele vastamisest, elu maagiast ja muinasjutust, rikkuse otsinguist ja sõprade kätest, siin ja sealpool merd ja muusikat, on purjepaat ja kootud kindad.

~Armastan Sind,

mu Sõber ja Kallis~

~*~

So here you can see all the beautiful and good things which happened with me recently, waving and sparkling inside. It is a connection in between curvy paths of travels, tides of oceans and white mountain-tops, finding answers to big questions about life, magic and fairytales of moments, search of abundance and hands of friends on the different sides of ocean and music,

sail-boat and knitted gloves.

~I love You,

my friends and dear-ones~

When I am surrounded by bliss I still keep on doubting, I keep on searching for the reasons why things aren't still good enough. That sounds just stupid!
Is this the real challenge - to understand that I am already happy. That my life is just on the best path. It is the only real path I am on.

Things from "out there", from friends I have met during the last year, they pop up into my reality here and some ache comes along, some longing and missing... And for now I have decided not to fly to Canada on the 29th of Dec. Still, I am taking this flight part-way, until Amsterdam - I will have a chance to get some other angle and fresh air from Estonia. I am visioning the moment when I step out from the airport, falling into the tears.... just realizing that I am not taking the chance there is for me... chance to take a boat across the gulf and be there, back in Victoria, on the shores of ocean, seeing white mountaintops of USA, meeting with strong winds and rough stones, and Freya, and friends.
There is pain there. I am feeling it. And I am asking why is it there?
Is it there for me to go and see or is it there for me to observe from a position of peace?

Endless questions. So many doubts.
I have been changing my mind so many times during this time in Estonia (more than 2 months for now) that people close by have lost track and they are not trying to understand anymore... and I have gave up the need to discuss and also share my last "decision". Useless.

The World is changing all the time and now I am experiencing it full-on! What am I learning from it?
Well,
I must say that this turmoil makes me want to stand solid and grounded, taking deep breaths and looking through illusions, asking more from the body than from the mind. Mind gets caught into thoughts and emotions get caught into longings. I cannot trust them.

Yes, there is this change and all that, but I have decided I am not confused anymore. I am just living every day as it comes. And I am more just in a position of accepting and not going out there to look after...  I see that the world hasn't stopped moving and things really do come to me.

My biggest fear is to get stuck in here, to do "wrong" things and to "give up my freedom".
So,
I might just need to do it all - face the fears and go to University, live in the centre of  Tallinn, sing in Pandivere choir, fall in love of life, be here and now, write letters to those ones who are not near by and knit some gloves and socks and take it easy.


Life comes and goes. My dear friend Alex with whom I had heart-connection already in Rainbow and then she came to Horse Caravan and we got even closer, singing songs together..., she went to travel in another realms, she left the earthly body behind there in Costa Rica.
I cannot be truly sad, cause she let me know that this was the choice of her spirit and that while being alive it is so important to follow your heart and to live the best life you can imagine. She also reminds me to write a book, cause she was waiting for it already when we just met... I am now waiting for a response from a publisher in Estonia - whether to continue with it. We shall see.

Alex also teached me a song and I had forgotten the words and my wish to her was that she will remind me those somehow so that I could sing it again... This really did happen, last night when I was listening to another song... those words just came to me and I found it from the internet. You can listen to it hopefully from here
Womb Of The Earth:
https://youtu.be/svV5Ajw3HO4
There is another one called - May I Be Strong - those ones she taught to me, those ones speak with me strong.

Womb of the Earth

Sasha Butterfly

the blessed gift this child brings
the veil will open when the angel sing
the blessed gift this child brings
the veil will open when the angel sings
and the arms of the earth are open wide
recieving the blessings from inside
womb of the earth, miracle of birth
womb of the earth, miracle of birth
brought here from the earth and sky
an angel of light come here to try
to remind us of the the simple bliss
that lies within a mothers' kiss
and the arms of the earth are open wide
recieving the blessings from inside
womb of the earth, miracle of birth
womb of the earth, miracle of birth
divine mother, sister, friend
wings of birds these prayers I send
and the arms of the earth are open wide
recieving the blessings from inside
womb of the earth, miracle of birth
womb of the earth, miracle of birth
divine father, brother, soul
a mothers arms will keep you whole
divine father, brother, soul
a mothers arms will keep you whole
and the arms of the earth are open wide
recieving the blessings from inside
womb of the earth, miracle of birth
womb of the earth, miracle of birth

This is a life of Miracles we are all Living here.

Valge Päeva Võlu

Õndsad on need hetked, mil olen oma liikumise ainuke kapten. Mu laevaks on seekord ema auto. Simunasse oli põhjust viia ema juuksurisse, sealt edasi olen küll väikse missiooniga leida värvi-pann Väike-Maarjast, kuid palju teid viib sinna...

Võtan ühe, peatun lumevalguses ja selge taeva all. Puude tagant tõuseb Päike. No küll on see ikka imeline, valguse tulek maailma! On vaja vaadata pikalt hallust, et aduda selle kera suurt rolli meie maa-ilmades. Rõõm tõuseb laotusse!

On nii külm, et saapad naksuvad teel, justkui tahaks kinni jäätuda. -17 Celsiuse kraadi. Kristalliseerunud vesi katab kõike, särab ja sätendab.

Sõidan edasi ja peatun siis jälle. Arheoloogiamälestis, hiiemägi ja ohvripaik, püüab mu tähelepanu. Tajun soovi sinna astuda, sellesse pühasse ruumi. Kuigi kahekümnendatel hakati ses paigas paekivi kaevandama ja kunagisest kahest mäest on järgi jäänud vaid puhmasküngas, on iidset hõngu tajuda.
Uguri Mägi. 

Enese sees hakkab kõnelema "Kalevipojas" sõnatu:
"Aga ükskord algab aega,
mil kõik pirrud kahel otsal
lausa löövad lõkendama.
Lausa tuleleeki lõikab
käe siis kaljukammitsasta.
Küll siis Kalev jõuab koju
oma rahval õnne tooma,
Eesti põlve uueks looma!"

Need sõnad, nende jõud võbeleb mu sees ja meenutab midagi, mida ma teadlikult pole kunagi mäletanud. Võibolla vanad eestlased olid sarnased praegu tuntud oraaklite maiade, hopi indiaanlaste, tiibetlaste ja teiste tark-rahvastega? Võibolla on nende sõnade mõistmine mõistusega hoopis võimatu - niimoodi saab ainult tähtedesse kinni jääda, kuid tegelik informatsioon on suurem ja kõikehõlmavam. Kui vormitu tahetakse vormi panna, läheb ju ikka midagi kaotsi. Kasutades intuitsiooni ja universumi-taju, on vahest võimalik hakata silmama silmaga nähtamatut, näha nii, nagu justab Castaneda oma raamatuis. Näha illusioonidest läbi.


Sõidan julgelt teil, mida pole kunagi teadnud. Niimoodi käibki maadeavastamine. See piirkond, sõitmata teed, viivad mind rändama erinevais reaalsustes. Muinasmaailm ja imeilm on mu kodulaanteks taas. Hobuste kabjad kappavad teil, kuhu asfalt pole roomanud. On ju võimalik ka Eestimaal rännata suviti ringi sõpradega, hobuste turjadel. Kes küll teostaks neid häid mõtteid, mis su enda juurde tulevad? Eks vist ikka ainult ise!

Maailm, kui võimalikkuse mängulava.

Külapoes on ilus vanamees. Mu silmad peatuvad ta mustrilistel labakinnastel. Mõtlen enda omadele, mis on nädal otsa kudumata rännanud minuga mööda Eestimaad. Meenutus jätkamisele. See sama mees on kõrvalpoes ka, kui ostan viigimarju. Siis teatan talle kuis mulle ta kindad meeldivad - tema vastab, et need on ta ämma kootud. Ja seesama ämm oli ülevalla tuntud kokk omal ajal. Käis kodunduskoolis, talvel kudus selliseid imepäraseid mitmevärvilisi kindaid ja muul ajal siis tegi nii hästi süüa, et tema suurt koka-annet teati rohkem kui ühe-pere-ringis. No ja siis oli ta isa ka kindaid kududa osanud, sest kui ta noorena läti pool elas ja lätlastelt naha peale sai, õppis ta kodus ema käest hoopiski kuduma. Täpne poiss olevat olnud!
"Vanasti olid ikka ajad hoopis ilusamad! Aga näe, sina oled küll haruldane oma huviga!" sõnab ta selle pääle, kui mõtlen valjusti oma kinnaste jätkamisest...

See erinevate aegade sees rändamise taju jätkus minu jaoks selle vestlusega. Maailm on just selline, kuis ise luua. On müstikat ja muinasjuttu just nii palju olemas, kui endasse suudad mahutada.

Külm on hea hingamisele - lõõrid lähevad lahti ja tatt voolab välja.
See päev on püha.
Päike jääbki nii madalale ja tõusmisest saab pea kohe loojumine.
Põhjamaised võlud.
Korstendest tõuseb valkjaid suitsuhabemeid.

In The Middle Of It All

 

.

what to do when the heart is torn in between two continents?

when the sea doesn't replace the ocean

and being a guest doesn't replace being at home?

through the fields of choices

time will point the path to walk on

is there much to do about it

or is the decision already made?

in life and in love

you can count on the changes

they hold up the universe

they make the world turn around

are you my love?

am I your love?

do I see clear enough?

maybe I create illusions

oh, shall the path of truth

be rolled out for me

when the time to take my steps

is there to face




. 
Haapsalu
09.12.09

Inim-Keha-Ime-Ulme

Kogu inimkeha arterid lebavad klaasi all. Kui nende vahele ja külge ja peale kujutada ette luu, lihased ja nahk, saab pildi kokku. Veresoonte võrk ulatub igale poole ja iga veretilk inimkehas läbib igas minutis korra südant. 160 000 m elueliksiiri jõgesid on meie sees.
Näen, millistes piirkondades on verevahetus hoopis suurem, kus on prioriteedid ja piirid.

Kõige suurema mulje jättis haigete kopsude nägemine. Suitsetamine mõjub silmnähtavalt mustavalt ja hingamisprotseduuri efektiivsust pärssivalt. Kõik kehas toimiv on omavahel seotud.

Tekkis vastutuse tunne oma keha hea toimimise eest. See, mida ma suust sisse panen ja see, kuidas oma kehaga liigutan, milliseid mõtteid mõtlen, kus paigus kondan - kõigel on oma roll. Kuidas elada küll nii, et toimida saaks tervelt? Et poleks vaja ühel organil hakata teise toimimispraaki kompenseerima..., et poleks mu eluviis liiga raske, et maine väljendus oma potentsiaali kasutaks. Kvaliteetaeg.


~

Üha selgem on see, et ilus elu on valik. Iga elu sees on ilusa elu idu, ainult et vahest on see nukkuvas faasis ja siis on vaja vett ja valgust, et hakkaks uus algus.
Olen liikumises ja laulmises,
oma paiga leidmises.
Õhk on hingamiseks, põhja pool kargem ja mere pool maitsvam.
Iga päev on üllatus,
pikalt plaanida ei saa,
vaid taibata toimuvat.

From English to Estonian and MySpace

As we both are now in Estonia, writing in Estonian comes more naturally. From time to time I guess I just want to practice my English and some thoughts are being born just in the language they are born. There is much to do about it then. To translate only.
And this is the chance for those who do not understand Estonian - Google Translate has reached to even this small language spoken by about 1 million people... So, no limits. Although I have observed that the way I write about things is not always very "following the rules", so it requires some "being on the wave with me" skills. Thank you for that effort!


So, what will happen with me, am I going to return to Canada or are there things to do here in Estonia for me?
I have stopped asking this question,
cause I only have one day to live and one day to love.
So I am knitting gloves,
being inspired by Estonian folk patterns, music, clothes and wisdom.

Songs keep on coming to me and I am asked to develop my singing and guitar-playing skills. I made the first "obvious" step on this road and now you can listen to my chef-d'oeuvre's - www.myspace.com/marianhiire

Days are continuously gray, rain is pouring down without any breaks. But people hearts are learning to beat in the harmonious rhythm, to give birth to light and warmth.
"Estonians are aliens," as just one french thai-masseuse said after observing our friend's birthday party without any alcohol, filled with hugs, folk-songs, other songs, improvisational music, dances, touching games, inspired conversations and warmth which turned strangers into friends. We ended up having a massage lesson, working in pairs and a talking circle, showing our gratitude.
Those things make me so grateful about being alive, being Estonian, being here where I am. And I have to admit that I have been lucky enough to find this kind of events outside Estonia too. Maybe they are following me... :)


Sooja sisse!