Kokkuvõte, soe ja jagamine.

Nii vajalik on teha kokkuvõtteid.
Meie jutustus Sandriga oma rännust sai esmakordselt täispikkuses välja räägitud. Me polnud ise ka seda kunagi nii teinud ja kogemus oli suur. Läksin koju justkui oleksin tulnud pikalt rännult, kus kõik ümber on uus ja kus mõte on avar ja piiritu.

Internaadi saal osutus ütlemata mõnusaks ja hubaseks ruumiks, kuhu mahtus just parasjagu inimesi. Mõnus oli näha oma klassijuhatajat, vanavanemaid, pere, sõpru Tartust ja Tallinnast, lapsepõlvesõpru ja teisi inimesi, keda meie ränd kokku kutsus.

Polnudki küsimust, mida rääkida - kõike, mis parasjagu pinnale ujus. Muidugi oli vaja paljut ka ütlemata jätta, sest ühte aastat paari tunni sisse on ikka päris kunsttükk mahutada. Tasakaalustasime Sandriga teineteist, et tervikpilt oleks nii detailne kui ka ülevaatlik.

Minu jaoks oli murdepunktiks see, kui rääkisin Kanada purjetamissuvest. Laulsin ka "Leiulaulu", olles ise üllatunud, kui hea tunne seda teha oli. Jutustasin, mida tegime paadiga ja sellest, et jätsin oma tagasilennupileti kasutamata ... ja siis ühtäkki avastasin end pisarates.
Tundsin, kuidas terve ruum oli minu kurbuse tunnet täis. Inimesed tundsid ka.
Võtsin end kokku ja laulsin meremehelaulu "Haul away Joe", mida Ty mulle õpetas.
See tõi mind kohale, rahustas, ja lubas jätkata.

Isegi kui on kurbust, on nii hea seda kogeda - see on tugev, see on midagi, mis liigutab.

Palju on õppida sellest, mis on siin, Eestimaal.
Ja ema ütles, et kui ütlesin, et lähen Ameerikasse, ei arvanud, et olen hull. Aga kui ütlesin, et tulen Rakkesse, mõtles ta küll, et olen hull.

Järgmine hullus - eks see olegi minekurada. Hullus = hirm?

Aitäh kõigile,
kes on kaasa mõelnud,
seda praegu teevad
või kes kunagi siia satuvad.

Üks reis
võib olla terve elu.

I sing goodbye, I am flying~

I love that I am here now. That I know that there will a plane to catch tomorrow. That this is the last full day I have here. I feel epic. I feel beauty. Sun is on the porch and Aubrey slept there - surprise for all of us. Yogi tea and green smoothy.
Anthony Coppings is offering music.
Mother and family plans to pick me up. I decided that I want to get to the countryside on the same evening. To ground. To land.

I feel sad. I feel happy. I feel blessed to experience that all now. To leave a place and people behind, without knowing if I will ever see them...it is so beautiful. I love it in a strange and painful way. This pain is like the pain when you stretch your body - you do it cause you will become more flexible...and the pain goes away too, it vanishes if you let go.


The Ocean is down there, it will always be. Even if I am not here.

I listened to Catherine and Michael, my house-family, mother and son, when we were driving around last night, finding food... and listening to 80's love-rock loudly sometimes. Mount Tolmie gave me a good sight over the city, lights, moon on the water, islands. I am on a tip of the Vancouver Island. This whole perspective to feel that I am on this spot on the Earth, seeing all that around what is here. And then I will be somewhere else, so far...and all what is there, is around me all of a sudden.

What am I?  -  just a pattern of light, having a form, but still being free from that too. I will fly over the time and oceans, over the rainbows and rainclouds, I will fly towards the sun, towards sunrise.

Goodbye dear land,
land which reminded me much. I am waking up to myself. I am seeing the wonders, places I have dreamed of.
Yeah, I pick my favourite things to take with me, but the most favourite thing - this place and people - I will not take with me. Some things will maybe remind me all that.. that's why whe have things in life. To be part of the world which is outside, to create reality, to protect and guide you, to give you a shape and color...


Farewell my dear ones~ See you later~

Being away from Estonia has helped to create and have all the stories to share with you. And for those who have been in another place, reading them - maybe you have got a feeling about those places I have seen. I hope that I have been a window to another worlds and realities. And it has been a connection with all of you too for me.
Thank you for reading and being there.

I am not going back. I am going forward. This path is being created now.

We will see again when the time comes. This or another life.

~/\~

In Love I am. In Love Of Life.

This is the beach I go down to,

to play wolf-songs,

to give thanks to Mother Ocean,

to feel cold water on the skin,

to sit and climb on the logs,

to have fire

and to see the Moon.

Visual moments of this Summer

Now when the days give us more rain again in here, Victoria BC, 

it is great to look back to the summer. 

It also means saying goodbye to lots of people and places. 

Lessons of letting go.

This is a brief glance here, more photos will be somewhere soon enough. 

Fire is burning in the fireplace and tea is smelling good...

M6ned pildihetked sellest suvest.

Nyyd kui p2evades on rohkem vihma ja s6brad asuvad r2nnuteile, on minuni j6udnud j22dvustused, mida saan teiega jagada.

Vast tuleb neid rohkemgi n2htavale m6ne aja p2rast.

Kaminas on tuli ja tee aurab maitsvalt...

*

So, this is the trip to Sidney, Freya's last time without masts. Hilary and Ty are up there and I was just enjoying it all. / Retk Sidney'sse, Freya viimne teekond ilma mastideta. Hilary ja Ty seal jutustamas ja mus on ilmselge r66m.

August 2009, BC, Canada

Skipper. Tacking against the wind out from Ganges Bay on our first sailing trip from Salt Spring to Galiano. / Tyyrinaine. Pautisime vastutuult saarte vahel. Treening.

September 2009

All 3 sails up there. Jib. Fore. Main.

K6ik kolm purje. (eestikeelsed s6nad mul veel 6ppimata..:)

While I was turning the wheel, guys were working with lines. We had a nice heel too!

Jason, Oliver, Dylan.

/

Siis kui ma tyyrisin, olid poisid otsadega tegelemas. Kreen oli vahel p2ris kena!

Towards the Dreams

Unistuste Poole

Maagiline Maailm on Merel.

T2nan Ilma, et see k6ik on juhtunud minuga.

You are Loved

*

The Day of Miracles

Well. A book called "A New Light on Ascension" by Diana Cooper had huge impact to my day. I realized that I have changed and I have been lost. That I am now ready to follow exercises and meditations provided in this book. I am getting into the connection with the Spirit.

As I was walking towards free moksha yoga class, so happy with my decision to go there, I met a man I was just thinking to meet. We didn't have each others contacts. But there he was.

Later on the day I created a blogsite for Freya stories. This is sharing of our summer and of our commitment. I have put myself into it and this energy carried me to manifest this page - freyatheschooner.wordpress.com

There are some pictures already, more will come.
I take it as a game... we will see how it goes and grows and it will all happen only when it has to happen.

Then Azelia wanted to give me Sacred Fire Community newsletter, she asked me to call if I can come and meet up to go to see Grandmother Ocean. Well, payphone didn't get my message, so I went down to the ocean with a good hope and wish to find her and that she will go there even without getting any word from me.

I looked around, not seeing her. Well, I will just go down to the beach then. And there, there was another woman, girl that I just met on last weekend, we ran into each other yesterday too! What a coincidence! This meeting had to happen. She is sharing a path with me. Her mother is a healer, soundhealing and other things. She sings and plays piano... There is more to discover. And from the first moment I saw her, I felt so familiar...
Now we arranged a dinner. We followed guidance.

And as we walked up from the stairs and were about to say goodbye, Azelia walked towards us!
Perfect timing!

So,
this is how things are happening Now, in the Non-Sequential, Non-Logical Miraculous Reality.
Hard to think and plan anymore. I am guided, we are guided to give up all that and just trust the moment.

I can walk in the leaves which are on the ground...
Incence sticks were waiting for me on a freepile...
Sunset was so serene and light...
Finally I am finding myself again, funny that I am leaving this place now, just when it is all going easier. But I do not resist. I AM guided.

"Spare some change!"

http://jakecollier.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/homeless-man.jpg

Spare some change!
.
Spare some change.
.
Spare some change!
.

This day I had walked by from one homeless guy on the street. I walked by, but I carried him with me. I looked back. I thought back.
I stepped into a book shop, used books. It is the biggest around. And they have so many books there. I was looking for Ram Dass "Be Here Now". It wasn't there. But another one was - "How can I help?" I opened it and read....how we make difference who to help. How our family is closer to us than somebody else's family. And how we pass by from the people on the streets. We even don't dare to watch them. And we don't dare to see other people on the street either. What about smiling to them?
On the public transport or other busy places we find ourselves so interested in our shoes..or ceiling... or just nothing... something to keep us away from connection with a fellow human.

I bought a book about angels. Diana Cooper.
What am I looking for?
Help.
I am looking for myself.
This is so weird that I think that books will help. Maybe they will.
And from the library I have taken lots of books. About interesting things. Natives and peaceful warrior, medicine woman and prayers, chinese medicine and herbs... I just feel like learning.
Then again I realize that I might know myself. That those books are just tools.., I am the worker.
I am healer.
Why am I so lost sometimes?
Why is this world so sick?

I continued walking on the streets.
Another man on the street.
His voice sounded like a broken branch. He was wearing dark glasses and white stick was with him. He was sitting on a bench, white plastic bucket in his hands.
"Spare some change!
Spare some change!"

I stopped. Somehow the fact that he was blind, gave me more courage. I took 2 dollars from my moneybag and went close to him. I gave him the money and then I talked with him.
Tomorrow they will make bloodtest to him and day after tomorrow one of his kidneys will be removed. He can barely walk. He is asking money for food.
I asked if he has home and he said that he has a place that might be called as home, but it is a bunk, it is a place with broken lights and mice running around. He doesn't see that but others have told him that.
"They do not care."
"Who?"
"Government. There is so much food waste, but nobody gives that to us. They throw it into garbage and get insurance money from that."

I listened and thought about us, freegans of Victoria, young people finding free food from dumpsters, finding free furniture and clothes from the street... What makes us different from this guy on the street?
His mother died 2 months ago. He has had sight but now he is blind. Nobody wants to employ him.

I thank him for being there. For giving others a chance to feel compassion.
Chance to share. Chance to dare.
It was a challenge to me.
Also when I walked away, hearing his continuous pitiful shouts - "Spare some change..", I was almost crying.
So this is the world.
We go and buy more things to satisfy our wantings, we are proud to earn a lot of money and wear expensive perfume from France...we struggle in our spiritual searches, we go and shop in fancy organic markets and think that if we get ourselves a good yoga clothes and go and sweat a lot in moksha yoga....then this will be enough.

If I help friends, but I do not care about people on the streets - am I compassionate?

I feel the feelings of the World.
Paavo says that it is normal. I am those feelings.
It is true.
Also it is challenging. Cause some people feel so lost, sad and unhappy..., mistreated and abused, not listened and not loved. I feel that too.
Where comes the change?

Still.
I am positive.
I know that it starts with Love.
I Love.
I love myself and then I can love the others.
I feel compassion, but I cannot go along. Life is a gift.

It is time to take responsibility for us all. It is time to see and choose. It is time to wake up and act. It is time to care and open our hearts to the Now. Be Here Now. I am looking for that. But this is something I know within. This IS.

~May we be guided into our highest wisdom, unity and connection.
May our spirits talk through us,
may our bodies be clean temples for the Light.~

How do you grow?

On a sunny Saturday morning I was walking with Elizabeth and Catherine towards Anarchist Bookfair when we saw that Music Conservatory was having open doors day. We stepped in. Next I realized that I have signed myself up for a mini-lesson. Voice lesson.
There I was, opening myself and my voice, releasing fear and listening to Her, who is aware of energywork and that's why her explanations made so much sense for me. Breathing and reaching the sky trough the earth - this is how voice goes when it has strength. 15 minutes passed by so fast, but I learned a lot.
Then I was in saxophone lesson too, without my own instrument. But the teacher was reminding me how important is to be relaxed and have a straight and normal position, not to be twisted or feeling pain here or there... It all starts with simple things - noticing your body and your breathing.

I was lucky to meet with those teachers. There is so many ways to learn and teach. I have seen different sides of it and life shows eventually what is healthy and what is sustainable.
My heart felt just so happy while being around music again.
When I return here, I might go and volunteer in music therapy, or play piano in elders care homes. To bring light and joy to them.

What about Anarchist Bookfair - people wear a lot of black. They are sometimes dirtier than "normal" people. They also have thoughts about how to rebel and act against something. It can be freedom and it can be a trap. I got tired. Also I got a book about plants in here - about their edibility and medicinal properties.
As long as there is groundedness, it is possible to go trough the shadows, carrying light.


I saw a native woman who is really fierce about 2010 Oympics here. People are loosing jobs because of that, people are losing land... and all this activity around olympic games opens the old wounds too... that First Nation's have lost their land...and white people take it for granted, take the resources and fine art of the Natives...and use it to show it all from a fancy and glimmery side. It is very controversial. Homeless people from Vancouver are sent to Vancouver Island..., to Victoria, just because Vancouver has to look "nice". It makes me wonder.... what is real and what are we showed is real.
When I see pictures and commercial about Olympics, it all seems so nice. Even too nice. Cause I see something else too. People behind that. And all this money comes from somewhere. Somebody is being exploited. Maybe the Land. Mother Earth. And those people who want to live with the Nature.
Natives have lost lots of their pride and vision and growth. Alcohol kills their dreams. They become numb. And this is how they can be ruled. This is how we can be ruled. Almost everybody drinks alcohol...cause it is not as bad as drugs... and smoking. It is normal to drink alcohol!

I doubt about that.
Alcohol makes you forget.
Forget who you are.
Forget what are you dreaming of.
Forget why are you living.
Forget what you love and thrive for.
Forget your growth.
You loose your vision.
Wood in you is your growth, your purpose. And it is your vision. Liver is connected with the element Wood. Alcohol affects liver. People wear glasses cause they have lost sight. There is something they cannot see. They do not express themselves through creativity.
When was the last time you created something?

Imagine yourself as a tree. Seed knows already what kind of tree will come out of it. Branches reach toward Light, to the Sky. Roots reach into the Earth. Tree wants to be strong in the winds. Tree wants to grow, flower and fruit and then let it all go... and start all over again.

Find your growth and direction.
How do you see yourself when you are old?
What will be around you when 10 years have passed by?

Just hug a tree and listen to the water in the tree.
Listen to the growth.
Listen to the silence.



Thank YOU for listening.

Dive Into Life

Paavo linked me with this and it feels like a blessing just right now. This book is from 1971, but some truths will remain the same, even if time passes by. Universal Light.
I encourage you to take a look,
it is strong.

World is shifting.

Be Here Now by Ram Dass

Uus Maailm pärast 09.09.09_New World after 09.09.09

Nii hea on kasvada vanemaks. Maailmale vaadata üha ja üha teisiti. Alistuda elule Maal.
Soovida kohtuda vanematega ja loobuda enese tõestamisest. Lihtsalt Armastada. Ja tulla ja minna vabalt, enese südant kuulates.

Ma rõõmustan läheneva Eestisse minemise üle.
Soovin kohtuda teiega, tantsida üks pidu, laulda mõned laulud ja kallistada palju!

///*\\\

It is so great to grow older. To see world differently and differently. To surrender to the Life on Earth. To look forward meeting with parents and not to prove myself to them. Just to Love. And come and go as the Heart pleases.

I feel joy that I go to Estonia soon.
I want to meet with you, to dance a party, to sing some songs and to share lots of hugs!

What is here for me,
stars in the sky and ocean near my feet.
This is the time of 0 and 9, time of movement and change, getting ready for 10. For the end and beginning. Some roots on the ground more clear and strong. Channeling Light from the Heavens, from Milky Way, from Infinity.

I learned about wind and sails, how there is a right angle for the movement and how the boat responds to my actions. 3 big sails up there, catching the wind and turning it into focused action. I turned the heel (wheel) and felt so in peace, blessed and at home - on the waters, on a sailing boat, on the ocean.
Mind is easy out there.
Simple things, jet challenging.
It is like maths, it is physics and it is rooted deeply to intuition and heart. So I just knew how to do it, how to give my best and how to follow the wind.

Orcas! I saw their fins, coming out from the water. First time, so beautiful and strong!

I saw more Gulf Islands, Salt Spring and Saturna. I am amazed and in awe. I feel so happy that life has brought me those opportunities.
I also got reminded to give up thinking and planning about my future.
I just do not know in the mind.
I will know when I need to know.
Relax and enjoy life!
Let it guide you!



Again and again I can hear that which I think I know... but I guess there is more to it. You have to live it, feel it... stop the patterns and observe your mind, emotions... then decide, listen to the silence and know what You want to do.


There are tides going on with the Ocean. Tides are happening in our lives too. We can learn from the water to go along. To give every piece of yourself to the flow and current. Water doesn't resist.
Let yourself to feel the motion. Let yourself to feel emotion.
Let yourself not to know.
Let yourself to trust and be.
Be more and do less.


Fall is here. Leaves are falling. I feel joy to say goodbye. To give some of the water away trough eyes, to feel thankful for all the moments shared together and to trust and know that if meetings have to happen, they will happen.
It is a relief to let go. To look back to the great summer, see all the beauty around and to know that this is my life. Good and bad, all in the same one-in-all.

I got a letter, real one (!) from my grandmother Tea. She said that her father was here, near Vancouver, 80 years ago, in the times of financial crisis. All the same. Just different time.
She wrote me how they have managed to live together with grandpa Kalju for 50 years! "You have to give freedom! And before you say anything, take your mouth full of water. (old Estonian saying)" It means that you better think before you say, listen and make compromises. Give up some of your understandings and be flexible.
It feels so great to read that. And to see some pictures of the larger family. Tea takes care of keeping the family together.

It was my second letter to receive in here.
You can write me too,
it feels so lovely
and special.
Thank You~

May the energy of 9 guide You!






This is Freya, after the masts got stepped, in the sunset in Sidney, Vancouver Island.

The Crew of Freya. Ty back there, Ollie next to him with curly hair. Giorgio's hair is curly too, but a bit darker. I am next to him. And then comes Jason. Dylan is making photo, so you cannot see him, but can feel him! Behind there you can see Freya too, dark masts.
Feast was happening with us!

White Sails

This is the last week when all of us (boat crew) are together, working towards getting the sails ready to sail. Big white clouds have fulfilled the living room of Redfern residence. Some of the roommates are getting a bit tired about climbing over them and seeing us so caught up in the process. So, amongst the work with the sails, we have to work on human relationships too. And actually this is something more valuable and long-term thing than the sails. They come and go, break down and get fixed again and again.

I walk home in the nights. Empty streets. Filled with random free stuff. Stars.

Fall is in the air. Sweet sadness of leaving. Leaves are leaving the trees too.
There is something so special and beautiful in that. Maybe the tears. Maybe the realization about the seasons and how things come, bloom and then go. And there is this space to look back and see what have you done and you can see all the stories there. Fun times and confusing times and through all that I see how I have made friends, how I have found trust.
Just yesterday when I was driving with Dylan's car, on a mission of picking things and people up and down, I felt that all this has come into my life here, in this summer. I have spent the summer here!
I am inside the life.
And I went along to a free concert last night in downtown. Biking downthehill in fresh and goodsmelling night full of lights.
I stood there. And I saw people I had seen before. Familiarity.
Tartu, the University-Town in Estonia, this feeling came to me - everybody knows everybody and everywhere you go, there is somebody you have met before. It feels like being in a family. It is very various and you will never know what will happen next.
I like this feeling of being alive in all that, being able to hug people, to say something good to them, to enjoy this life, move my body in the music and take some risks...

Heh,
Jason said that we can climb the bridge. The blue bridge which will rise up when the boats want to go trough. I thought I might not be able to do it. That I might be afraid. But I went along. With Megan and Jason. And there I was, on top of the metal construction, feeling every car who drove over the bridge... thinking for a second what will happen when the bridge will start to move....
and then letting go. Accepting and enjoying it.
Sneaking around the laws and fences... this can be freedom in mind.

In the middle of the night I biked back. Stopped in the footballfield and did Five Tibetian exercises. Every night I have done them in different places in recent days. Park. Cemetary. Footballfield. Garden.
Feels great to overcome disturbing thoughts and just do it, even when I am tired, even when the day is about to end... To live.

To live, not to survive!

Estonians

Healing Tears

Life becomes so real when a guy who seems usually a bit distant and in his own world, calling me crazy, comes into the house and just falls to the couch, tears in his eyes. He broke up with the girl and he is so wasted that he doesn't like that at all... And all of a sudden all the sadness and stories of his life are alltogether, so real and strong. I stop my writing and I go and sit down to him, feeling so serious, wishing to help him.
He has done his best but that wasn't enough. All his efforts seem to be wasted.
He wants to be drunk and waisted as hell, cause there is nothing else he can see.
And I feel sad, understanding and sharing his feelings.
Yet, as he feels so weak and unworthy, I see it as a strength. I thank him for being so strong in his weakness.

I make a tea. Sudden strength comes into me. I am so grateful to him to open up so much. I feel connection now and I feel a calling from his soul. This makes me realize that my calling to be a healer is again right. That my sorrows and sadnesses are so small. My life this time is meant to be for serving the others, my own growth and learning comes through that. I am here to walk over the bridges and to give hands.

And as I found this inspiration to help him in his situation I also realized that this is the way I am supposed to help myself when I feel low, sad and useless.
There is always Light to choose. Path of the Light is waiting for us. We just are blinded with our sorrows and stories that we turn our eyes from that, even when we are aware of this option.

It is easy to turn and connect with another wound, with another hurt-one. To find a similar shadow.
It takes courage to look higher, to look into the light and to stretch your back and go pass your fears and dramas.
This is why we are here, on the Earth.
To find a path to the Light.
We try to kill ourselves, to drink, to smoke, to eat bad, to take drugs... just because we do not love ourselves. Just because we think we are not worthy. Worthy of things to come into our lives with ease and joy and glory.
We continue creating misery and disappointment into our lives with our thoughts.
It is hard to face that. To take responsibility of our thoughts and acts.
Still.
It is there, waiting to take a lead, to choose and to be free.

I tell it all to myself again and again. I find new proofs to that and it sinks into me deeper and deeper. Why can't I get it all at once and will be free, will be enlighted... This is just the way things work on the Earth. It is slow. But steady.
Surrendering is the key.


It is so hard to let go of the need to do much. To rush. To Do Something Important!
I think this is the sickness of our world.
Gladly, there is a girl, woman, in my house, Elizabeth. And being with her is like doing nothing. It is like choosing less. Choosing a path into simplicity and clarity. People do not like less. People like more. That is why she is not seen by many, not connected with many. But she is. And I am learning to see her. And together we teach each other. I encourage her and she encourages me.

People are mysterious. Never judge or assume anything. Just listen to them. Let your thoughts go. Let it be.


/I found Deva Premal "Love is Space" from the street. Listening./

Fall and Rise

I can smell it. I can feel it. Stars are falling in the darker and darker nights. Still there is some warmth. Summer knows that soon comes the time to fade, so He gives His best to impress us, to show His affection. And we like it too. We appreciate His hugs. Still, we know that this is the hug of goodbye. Fall is whispering its tender and soothing words, letting us to meet with the fruits of what we have grown. Also She brings us some sadness, this beauty of falling leaves. And we can light the candle and say sincere words to the dear ones around.

"You have chosen the life of gypsy," he told me when I asked what happens if I do not come back here... Tears in my eyes I felt. The team of Freya will spread soon, just two weeks more. Life guides everybody into a different direction. And after all that I will go too. And I do not know if I will ever come back, I do not know what the life will bring to me.
Have I chosen the life of a gypsy, following the wind?
He, Ty, told me that some people will always remember me, the angel, who came into their lives and brought light with her.
"I haven't choose that. Can you choose the winds?" I told.

So pure and beautiful it all is. I feel small in the middle of this big Life, happening and guiding us, giving us some clues, still we are unaware and stupid enough, maybe blessed, not to know what is going to happen. How are the lives of people being bound and torn apart and brought back together. We wish and we want to control. Yet, what can a drop of water in the ocean do when the wave taking her along to a stormy adventure, shores far abroad...

Then turned on the music which was with me when I was in Haapsalu. Paavo has put together this mixture. And you can listen to it too : http://www.zshare.net/audio/57113174063cd9c8/

I connected myself with the Internet. Last night under the stars I realized that Internet is something so natural for us now. It is so vast. And people keep adding information to it. And it feels so natural to find answers to all our questions from there. It is like this mutual energyfield, informationsource, we all build up and we all can access. It is enormous and beautiful. We use simple system of zeros and ones to store it all, we have machines to understand those codes...
It might be a step on our way to connectedness, connection even without computers and storage places. It is going to be very intuitive and ever-accessable. It is there already. Just we are not ready for that. We are learning and preparing ourselves. And then it will happen, so naturally that we might not even notice.


The Signs.
One reference letter for Chinese Medicine school just came to me. And I read it with wonder and tears. Strong reflextion of me. I am stunned to see this sight from aside, myself from a distant, from a man I highly admire and appreciate, the Master of Neijing Chinese Medicine School in Haapsalu, Estonia.
And then I got a letter from the School, saying that they got the letter. And the time I recieved that was 12:12.
I know that it is what I am supposed to do.
It is hard to trust it all sometimes. Cause I still do not know how it will all come together, how will I find al the money I need, how can I go trough the process of getting visa. And then how can I cope with the longing for Estonian language, dear friends there... Huh. It is just much sometimes. And this unknowingness - how it will all be together, all those people and places in my life.
And Mother is missing me, is calling me back. I know that, I miss it all too. Still. I am here. I am called to be a Healer.
It becomes more and more clear to me.
And even when I start to doubt from time to time, I am guided back to this track. And whatever form it will take, I have to surrender.
I believe I will recognize my path to follow.
All the dear people here and on the other side of the ocean will be in my Heart. And the Heart is expanding and going to be big enough to fit you all in. To be with all of it.


Thank you all who make my stories epic for me to live.
And believe me, your stories are as epic for me. And get inspired and I continue my path here. This the gift we share with each other.
In the
Felloship of Light.

5 Big Canadian Boys and Estonian Mama on the Boat

I feel like it is a continuous story now - this boat, Freya (Frayja) and all around it.
She is full now - having masts on her feels like a sacred union of female and male aspect. This is how sailboats give you a feeling of wholeness.
So much fun goes around that.
And much learning in every sense. Learning about sails and rigging. Riggers Apprenticeship and Sailors Apprenticeship - our bibles.

So, this is clear now that I am bound to the boat, my blood is under the main mast with all the blood from those 5 Canadian guys. Small white feather took this mission onto herself. She is carrying it all now, all the weight of the big 45 feet tall mast. She is sharing it with the sister Sage. Sage is our grounding, purification and clarity. There was a penny from the year 1901 under the foremast before. But we lost it mysteriously. Money didn´t really mean so much to us either.
So.
Lavender took its place. Her fragrance is guiding us towards the dreams with her sweetness.

All those words around me, words in English, in the language of seamen. This is another world, reality. I do my best to keep myself in the wave. It is here with a reason. I am in it. Maybe some day I can give advice when somebody is going to step the mast of a wooden boat. Shrouds and lines - everything has to be in its right place and order.

Of course we didn`t do all right at the first place. Ollie and Ty and Jason went up there in turns, hanging on a crane and changing the places of some stays and and shrouds. Dylan made two new deadeyes and we pulled line through them, making masts more stable. I learned some linework, knots and stuff. Leatherwork is also around. I found myself loving to be inside a big deer(or elk)hide. Some old instincts woke up when I was sitting there on the ground, leather wrapped around me. I felt like sitting forever like that, being invisible amongst the dried grass...

I am realizing that I am good at finding stories. But sometimes they do not matter to other people around me. And this is what I have to learn that I do not have to tell them to those who do not feel like listening. Some things which are important and interesting for me are not exiting enough to stop their thinking-doing process.
"What do I do with those stories then?" I ask from myself. Why do the appear for me? Is this the way it is suppose to be? Am I meant to share those or to just wonder around and feel blessed that I notice them.
Oh, they are sometimes so small and in whispers that only way to see and feel them is to be as silent as you can. And to think nothing. Just letting yourself to be carried by them.

Worlds inside and outside seem to be different. Heh. What a found! Some information and connection in the level of the spirit is so easy and smooth and true. But then comes the Earthly existence and minds in between, borders and lines and customs and habits and moods and this all. And I feel confused - are my dreams and visions, subtle voices and realizations real? Where are they from? Are they from this time or from another time and space?
Should I listen to them and dare to live them, even if the "reality" is telling me something else with its illusions and stories?

I find myself being this small girl again - asking questions about the world and universe, me and the others. And again - there are not many people around who come along with me, who take me seriously. Who listen. I guess answers are around. I will find them and they are trying to make themselves visible and hearable. I am just too loud for that.
And there comes the question - are those things for sharing or keeping for myself - cause the answers are mine to find anyways...
I just hope I do not trash the world with my words and sentences.


~


So, today we washed the sails. Big white wings were laid down on top of the tarps. Yesterday we grainded 6 loafs of scented soap and put it into the rubber-pool with water and sails in it - to soak overnight. Today they were wet and soapy and we rubbed them with sponges. Lots of water and crawling around. Water went darker - so I guess the sails went whiter. Although it was hard to see that. What we saw were the holes and places to work on - some sewing has to take place! Tomorrow....


~

Even though I am tired of all this action, big acts and communication, those loud guys and running around... I feel that I love it. This is it. This is the story of Freya, the schooner. And this is the story of my life. Adventures. Hard and easy times, mixed together. And I love to have this dark nighttime when everybody is asleep and I am typing here, to share it with you, with the world, with whoever is coming around to read it.
Good and bad - this is the same.
"Love it!" I tell to myself.
Love feeling tired.
Love feeling grumpy.
Love feeling like doing nothing.
Love letting all pass by.
Love feeling enthusiastic.
Love feeling in love.
Just love it!

I continue walking on the path of "loving myself". This is the journey.
It is not about survival.
It is about living it!
Living the dreams~~


P.S.
What I loved the most today was picking the figs just next to a big supermarket centre..., just over the fence there. It might be somebodys garden. But the figs are ripe and just waiting to be eaten. So we save them.
Tonight I touched them to feel which ones are ripe, so sweet and soft! Now I know how it feels. And this is a blessing. Once I dreamed about that. It is here now.
Thanks!

Island in North and Mothers and Elders

Under a cedar tree ~ this is where I slept for two nights, in a natural shelter. And I stayed dry, even though it was raining pretty much.
I learned trust and simplicity ~ nature takes care of us.
I heard animals in the nighttime, but white light surrounded me, so I was safe.

It was on Read Island, the northest place I have been around here. We had to hitchike a boat to get there. Music and community festival was happening and gladly I was taken along. Beautiful people and dancing~

The others left and stayed behind, meeting with new friends, facing adventure.
I am grateful that it happened like this,
I swam in the ocean, full of stardust, in the nighttime. Magical and warm.
Musicians reminded me to create music, to be in the music again, more.
Art and creation ~ this is the way to free the mind,
to do nothing while doing so much. It is a mission and freedom.

I met with a woman, GypsyMama, who had things to remind me. Lightwork and trust, magic and angels. I am on my way, I have to be sure. To follow the path, to be clear and light.
To feed the body well, to meditate and purify.

So, the next day I went to get some good nuts and oil and I met with another woman, who's dream is to get a green van and to drive around and provide alternative remedies to people for healing.
Great.



Mother.
It is so great to have a mother.
This trust and unconditional love and listening ~ I learn to appreciate this, I learn to notice this power.
I miss you, my friends,
lightworkers in the World.
My roots are in Estonia,
in the wild and small roads,
in the language and hugs.

It will all come together somehow,
people in English and people in Estonian,
my hearts bounds it.

Wherever my road is taking me, I am going to be here.
Here and now.
In love.



Thank you all~
May you fly and may you cry~

Laughter and Sunrise

He got back to his car and saw that it was covered with bird shit. Lots of it.
And he started to laugh.
Loud.
Smiling.

I passed by with a bike and felt joy. I laughed loud too.
Life is worth living when those things happen.

~

Mees tuli oma auto juurde tagasi ja n2gi, et see on kaetud linnusitaga. Korralikult.
Ja ta hakkas k6va h22lega naerma!

Mina naersin ka, rattaga m88dudes.
Sellised hetked loovad Elu Ime.

~

I woke up at 4:14 to go and see the sunrise on Mt. Finlayson. 20 minutes ride from Victoria.
We got there in the darkness. Ty and the girls.
Upthehill, for a long time.
Climbing on the rocks. Overcoming tiredness.
We all made it.
Naked moments and then the Sun rose, red and gracious.
Wonder of the Nature.
Earth seems so big and Sun so small. But they say it is vice versa. Subjective. Earth is a funny place to live. And days are long when we live with the Sun in North.
I said bye to Sun too.
Moon is shrinking now.

~

4:14 avasin silmad. J2rgmisel hetkel koputas Ty aknale. Hyppasin pykstesse ja pluusi ja astusin uksest v2lja. Korjasime teised tydrukud ka peale ja s6itsime linnast v2lja. Mt. Finlayson. M2gi.
Pimedas saime sinna ja alustasime teekonda. Tugevad jooksid. Mina olin keskmine. Andsin endast parima, katsusin leida v2simatut vaimu. J6udsin yles, yle kivide ja k2ndude ja kaljul ronimise. Paljalt P2ikesele vastu. Ta t6usiski, punane ja s2rav.
Algab p2ev nii v2rskelt ja l6hnavalt.
Pyha ja vaikne.
Ytlesin P2ikesele ka headaega, t2na 6htul. Yks ring ja keerutus. Maa tundub nii suur ja P2ike v2ike, kui vaadata m2elt maailma. Nad ytlevad et on vastupidi, P2ike suur ja Maa v2ike. Subjektiivsus. Maa-Ilmaline vaatlemine.

Kuu hakkas kahanema.
Aeg anda.


~

Sacred Trails on the Island

Cow Bay, Flores Island, BC.

(http://www.panoramio.com/photo/12847809 - thanks for the picture, somebody!)

"We will be at your house at 5 am - so you will come?"
"Hmm....yes!"

Dylan, Emily (from Sweden), her mother Lotta and niece Anna and me, Marian - we left Victoria behind and drove up north, then west and moved on a water taxi and started a journey to an island. Flores.
Wind with me, mountains around, water from the ocean, rocks...., native reserves. And First Nation people on the boat, in the village.
Again with my backpack, weight of it... steps into the forest, to the beach, to the forest again and to the beach again. Trail lead further and further. First swim, naked and in the waves ~ fresh and free!

We got there, after 6 hours of hiking. Cow bay.
So warm was this day, like in Mexico...
And then, I had my first sight to the endless ocean. Pacific Ocean. Nothing more than ocean.
Whales there, I saw one of them for a second.

Magic around me.
I laid on a rock and it started to talk with me. About secrets. About the future. About my life.
And I listened.
An eagle flew over and I had a silence wish to find his feather.
This happened later, when I was fox-walking ~ the Feather just was there in front of my feet, when I looked down... How?! Really!?

I fell asleep, into the dreams. Then I woke up, did the exercises and went for a run, to the other side of the bay and back...then into the ocean which was painted colourful by the setting Sun... Red and everything.

Those days I spent wondering around. Dead sea lion and his smelling tooth. A man and his partner living in a hutch in the middle of this beauty and wilderness for 30 years. Solar panel and a boat.
Trail along the river, wolf and cougar tracks and then just me and Emily there, surrounded by the sacred silence, salmonberries, huckleberries and blueberries. Every step so different on the riverstones, barefoot. Holy ground. Just standing, in awe and bliss.

Another adventure to the next bay, just me ~ two grandfathers on one of the bays, with kayaks - they gave me cookies and kindness, I continued, climbed over the rocks and cliffs, worried if I can make it back cause the tide was getting higher with every moment and I didn't know the trails yet.
Abandoned hutch ~ books in German and English, kid toys, blackberry branches growing through the wooden floor. My lunch there. Boat in a bush.
I found my way back, I found the secret paths, my fear evaporated and I watched the grey ocean with growing peace in my mind. I climbed the rock to see, to feel how it is to be as far as I can, just me and black rocks, small plants and loudness of the ocean.

Oh, it is easy to feel afraid near this Ocean, with incoming tides on the unknown ground, on the beaches so untouched by human feet and minds. Wild.
And the forests are so old, oldest I have ever seen and felt. Red cedars so tall, mosses, ferns ~ all so gracefully on top of each other, sharing the space. And berries all around. Those forests are rich. It is possible to survive there, just eating the plants...
I am learning this wisdom. Dreams tell me, people come to my way to show.

Dylan caught a fish just when I got there. Snapper. And another one! Luck!
We returned to the camp on the darkness of our list night there, crab in the bag, fish hanging on the hooks, flowers and a big feather with me too. Fire was waiting there.
We went out to the rocks and I reminded my university time - how to cut the fish! It worked. Headlamps showed the light and guts and blood came out... I washed my knives, fillets and fishheads for the soup...
Feast. Garlic. Butter. Fish and crab on the fire!
Mother Earth is kind.

Life woke me up again 3 minutes before the alarm clock, like the day when I had to wake up at 4 am to get going... Trust, this is what I have been teached.
Long hike back. Treasures in my bag.
We missed one track and I took the rock-way. Lotta and Anna followed and it became an adventure. We created tracks to the untouched beaches. We had to make our way through the hard bushes..., climb over the rocks, with the heavy backpacks this time. Those things just happen with me, apparently :) They didn't complain and we made it, right on time! 15 minutes before the boat we were there.

Native Village, feels like in Mexico, close to my heart.
I will go back there. Rock told me so.

Tofino, touristic spot, holiday just now.
We went to eat out - weird, after cooking on a fire... But. In life one has to be flexible. Miso soup. Yoshi, my Japanese friend and his soup in my mind. Yes, this life is great!

So warm again, we took the road back. A lake. Memories from the childhood trips with the whole family - to the lake! Different family here now. Here and now.
Water so warm.
It is not illegal to have naked boobs here. So we did. I was to tired to worry or think and find my swimming suit... Killing is more legal than being naked. Funny world. Heh.

Setting sun and music about the rainbows. My brother, thank you for being with me. And Marco.
And all my life, my past - it is somehow with me as the future will bring us together, those of us, who have to meet again. Presence here. In this car on the road.
I felt so great,
peace and pleasure.
This land is my home today. Street names in English.
I understand and learn more each day.

Sweden is opening itself up too. I have friends to visit there now. So is the life unfolding and I keep on dreaming.


I imagined my parents here (as I saw Emily's mother here just now).... :) one day maybe.
And then I will have car to take us out,
or maybe we hitchike alltogether to take an Adventure! Just for the sake of adventure!

White Room and Address!

As the angels told me to be patient about finding my home... and all I could really do was to wait and be aware.... this is what happened - I found my room, my place and space with wooden floor and it is close to the ocean and there is a fireplace in the house, artroom, good kitchen and most of all - warm family! Catherine is our Queen, she has daughter and son living in the house and then a young couple, Jack just got 19 yesterday..
All different people, but we are united by this house and it feels so great to be here. I feel like they take care of me as I take care of them. And goodnight hugs and things... Oh, I love to learn to know people with each day. And I practice coming Home. It is hard to say it out loud, but I learn.
I painted the room white, light-yellow ceiling is shining like a sun...

I unpacked my bag after 8 months on the road.
I felt sad a bit... and the adventures in Mexico seem like a dream now...horses and mountains..people and their issues...oh! And nature! I looked at my sleeping bag and decided that I have to wish to use it again in the near future. As I am now in Canada, there is lots to see!

My address is now:

Marian Hiire
354 Moss St.
Victoria BC
V8V 4N1
Canada

All the letters are warmly welcomed!


As I walked on the street of Victoria today, with Jenna and Ty, I understood that it is good to be wherever I am. Even in the city. In the middle of people who are all doing their things, thinking their thoughts.. I can breath. Smile. Move. This is life. It doesn't matter so much where I am - everything is everywhere. Peace inside.


Meanwhile I have touched the Olympic Gold medal - two half-Estonians, young guys, who won golden medal in Men 8+ rowing in Beijing, they were in Estonian Picnic last weekend. I got a chance to read them a prayer in pure Estonian, to talk with old ladies (for some reason women were the oldest, men dead), who had escaped from the Second World War, to Sweden, Germany..and eventually to Canada. Herring and black bread - felt like in Estonia, but still in Canada. They say that you can find an Estonian in every port in the World. It might be true. There is some at least in here now. It is a port :)


Yesterday I drove by from friends place to fix my bike a bit.. and what I saw was a dead deer on the table - I mean skin and carcass and lots of meat. Guts were there in another bin and head. And feet.
I sat and watched for a while. And then I took a knife and started to skin the skin...to remove flesh from it, to get it clean and nice. Wow! I learned so much. I found out that I know... that I know deep inside how to do it. The Deer teached me with her presence. I am grateful.
And on this day I was fasting too. Strong smells.
But this is life - you take it as it comes - with all the surprises!
I love it!



Here and now,
I go for a hunt!
Food will be on the table for everybody ~
;)

Life on the Flow

I am in the process of learning how to live so that there is no home. There is no actual place where I go every day and have my stuff organized and set. I have put down my bag in one house, Fernwood-House, and as one of the guys, Georgio, is always at her girlfriends place, I can sleep at his bed. But the house is sometimes so crowded that I do not feel enough space there, so I go somewhere else. It happens that I go along with Tyler who is couchsurfing-living in Redfern-House - there I have spent my nights. My paiting is there too. And then now I met with people, mother, her children (at my age) and a young couple - they live near to the sea, in a big house. They called me to their art-night and I ended up sleeping in an empty room they haven't rented out yet. So, so far this is the best spot to be to have some space..\

And Today made a gift for me - I decided to follow my little Marian and she told me to go and play, to put together some puzzle, to read, to make two pigtails with my hair and to take it all easy... This day then brought an accordion to my life too. In this last house, it can be called Moss-House (cause it is on Moss street), this Beauty, white accordion with golden keys instead of black ones, made in Italy, just waited me to open its box. It seems that I am in love of accordion. The sound! It can be so long, so sensitive, so meditative! I am gonna follow this path in music, I do hope so! Maybe I can even go and do some busking!

Oh!
Full Moon again just passed by. I celebrated that with this gorgeous Estonian lady, such a free communication-flow, mainly in English, still in Estonian too (her parents were Estonians, language from 30-ties or so (before the second war)), nice mixture! Anyways, that is great how people can be so connected, in one hand just because they share the nationality (then comes the question - what is that?) and also, we share the understanding about life. I like to talk with old people who have learned some great stuff in their lives already. I kind of feel old too. Older than some others are, who are actually at my age. It is satisfying to be able to loose all those age-barriers and just be, be spiritually connected. Some kids are wiser than some old folks.
Oh, and this Estonian Lady has a son.
As I talked with him, I learned and realized how important is to feel connected in the heart level. I guess I have been looking for mind-intellectual similarities with peope some time ago. Then I was intrigued when somebody had some knowledge about spirituality and this k6ssa-m6ssa... and now it seems to me that what really matters is how we live our lives daily. How we are able to smile even if we have no idea how we are going to pay the rent for the next month.. and even if we do not know where are we going to sleep tonight... This wisdom of life - how to be in balance, how to observe one's feelings and thoughts and not to get too serious about them, just to let them be, teach and release... And then how to interact with the people around you - with whom to be, how to express yourself, how to say no to somebody even if you want to be nice and all this... but to realize that sometimes being honest with yourself means that you might dissapoint somebody else cause you are not following her\his expectations. The truth is that we are not responsible for other people's expetations. They choose their thoughts, they create their issues. We just have to be honest and sincere and talk clearly and with love and compassion. And if there are dramas around, then they are there to be handled with care and compassion, but there is no need to really go along with them and put our own energy into them - it just feeds the wolf who doesn't have to be fed. This is honesty. And it can be harsh. It is necessary.


It feels so different to write today. Like writing to somebody. Everybody. Like writing a magazine. Maybe my brain started to work differently. Cause I talked with my inner child. She sesems pretty young there. Though, it seems that she can be in different ages too. It is just a matter of approach. Heh, she has always been kind of older than she is supposed to be. And actually, she likes to play, even while being so "old" and smart...


Anyways (what an expression! which I have started to use, because of those ship-guys ...). Those 45 feet long masts (main and foremast) and other sticks like booms and gaffs are now moved to a random's guys backyard (we just knocked on his door yesterday cause he had a small wooden boat in a back of his house and we ended up saying that we need a place to keep our masts and he just said that his yard is big enough and when we invite him to a party thats all what he really needs in return... :) - miracles do happen every day! It was funny too, cause Tyler just picked an Angel's card before going out and it was "Miracles". Thanks Angels! I like trusting you!

Being grounded is a mission in those days. For lots of people. Some say that I am grounding for them. So I keep on working with my own stability and Earth connection, to be able to help others with my presence. This is why we, humans, are for each other - to support and inspire and care and Love. I find it challenging sometimes. It is a magical mission though. Specially when seen as a game. Game of Life!


Seems like a long sharing here now.
In English too.
This language is more and more natural for me. I like learning it and I like to improve my writing and talking skills. I observe my brain and mouth working differently than ever before.
I do believe that Estonian is not going to get lost either. My poems and songs are still in Estonian mostly. And letters to people. I am just happy that there is this other language in me now, which I can use with ease, I am able to connect with people trough that!
All Estonians, reading those lines,
thank you for challenging yourselves. I hope that you understand! And you are allowed to say it out loud when I seem arrogant to you in this matter. Just be sure that I am still just who I am. Connected to you.


I feel grateful that you read my writings. It is a gift for me when somebody finds something from those lines. Kadri just said beautiful words to me. Thank you! I do my best to recieve compliments. I take it as a lesson and life offers me this in those days. I have heard some songs about myself, how my presence is appreciated... and thanks and hugs. And through that I learn how to be neutral in myself with that. How to be grateful, but not to stick my nose high up. And also not to be fed with those nice words and not to be dependant on those. Cause I am. I just am. And I am not nice because I like when people like me. I mean, it is good to get well along with people, but I find it tireing to act and to try to be somebody I really am not. So, when I want to be silent, I am. And when I want to go, I just go, without waiting people's approval and without feeling a need to explain and apologise myself. I found myself being pretty stupid sometimes. Actually it is such a releaf to be able to be in peace with myself even if I act stupid one in a while... :)

I sound funny to myself now,
so,
I guess it is time to go to bed.

I love the smell of the air. Humid and fresh.
House is asleep
and I have a room and a bed to go just now - feels great! I can imagine that it is my home tonight! Simple as that! :) Life in eternal Now! :D



Blessings~
Prayers~
World is round!

God knows / Jumal teab

What now
when brother is in Estonia?
I am here.
Asking where is my home.
And answer is still - I am wind on the field.
Homeless.
Just with me.
So,
is this the end of our travel or just another step into the unknown future, on the Path of Light?
Our creation,
Semiluuto,
has served us well.
Has been around, with us, with you.
Where it all goes?
God knows.


Mis siis nyyd,
n2ed, vend on Eestimaal,
ses taskuriigis.
Mina siin, mere kaldal,
kysin, kus on mu kodu
ja vastuseks kuulen tuult - olen ikka tuul v2ljal.
Kus kyll on hinge kodu?
Mis on see siis nyyd - kas me reisi l6pp v6i hoopis j2rgmine samm Valguse Teel?
Semiluuto on olnud heas teenistuses, nii meile, nii teile.
Kuhu l2heb rada?
Jumal teab.