When I am surrounded by bliss I still keep on doubting, I keep on searching for the reasons why things aren't still good enough. That sounds just stupid!
Is this the real challenge - to understand that I am already happy. That my life is just on the best path. It is the only real path I am on.

Things from "out there", from friends I have met during the last year, they pop up into my reality here and some ache comes along, some longing and missing... And for now I have decided not to fly to Canada on the 29th of Dec. Still, I am taking this flight part-way, until Amsterdam - I will have a chance to get some other angle and fresh air from Estonia. I am visioning the moment when I step out from the airport, falling into the tears.... just realizing that I am not taking the chance there is for me... chance to take a boat across the gulf and be there, back in Victoria, on the shores of ocean, seeing white mountaintops of USA, meeting with strong winds and rough stones, and Freya, and friends.
There is pain there. I am feeling it. And I am asking why is it there?
Is it there for me to go and see or is it there for me to observe from a position of peace?

Endless questions. So many doubts.
I have been changing my mind so many times during this time in Estonia (more than 2 months for now) that people close by have lost track and they are not trying to understand anymore... and I have gave up the need to discuss and also share my last "decision". Useless.

The World is changing all the time and now I am experiencing it full-on! What am I learning from it?
Well,
I must say that this turmoil makes me want to stand solid and grounded, taking deep breaths and looking through illusions, asking more from the body than from the mind. Mind gets caught into thoughts and emotions get caught into longings. I cannot trust them.

Yes, there is this change and all that, but I have decided I am not confused anymore. I am just living every day as it comes. And I am more just in a position of accepting and not going out there to look after...  I see that the world hasn't stopped moving and things really do come to me.

My biggest fear is to get stuck in here, to do "wrong" things and to "give up my freedom".
So,
I might just need to do it all - face the fears and go to University, live in the centre of  Tallinn, sing in Pandivere choir, fall in love of life, be here and now, write letters to those ones who are not near by and knit some gloves and socks and take it easy.


Life comes and goes. My dear friend Alex with whom I had heart-connection already in Rainbow and then she came to Horse Caravan and we got even closer, singing songs together..., she went to travel in another realms, she left the earthly body behind there in Costa Rica.
I cannot be truly sad, cause she let me know that this was the choice of her spirit and that while being alive it is so important to follow your heart and to live the best life you can imagine. She also reminds me to write a book, cause she was waiting for it already when we just met... I am now waiting for a response from a publisher in Estonia - whether to continue with it. We shall see.

Alex also teached me a song and I had forgotten the words and my wish to her was that she will remind me those somehow so that I could sing it again... This really did happen, last night when I was listening to another song... those words just came to me and I found it from the internet. You can listen to it hopefully from here
Womb Of The Earth:
https://youtu.be/svV5Ajw3HO4
There is another one called - May I Be Strong - those ones she taught to me, those ones speak with me strong.

Womb of the Earth

Sasha Butterfly

the blessed gift this child brings
the veil will open when the angel sing
the blessed gift this child brings
the veil will open when the angel sings
and the arms of the earth are open wide
recieving the blessings from inside
womb of the earth, miracle of birth
womb of the earth, miracle of birth
brought here from the earth and sky
an angel of light come here to try
to remind us of the the simple bliss
that lies within a mothers' kiss
and the arms of the earth are open wide
recieving the blessings from inside
womb of the earth, miracle of birth
womb of the earth, miracle of birth
divine mother, sister, friend
wings of birds these prayers I send
and the arms of the earth are open wide
recieving the blessings from inside
womb of the earth, miracle of birth
womb of the earth, miracle of birth
divine father, brother, soul
a mothers arms will keep you whole
divine father, brother, soul
a mothers arms will keep you whole
and the arms of the earth are open wide
recieving the blessings from inside
womb of the earth, miracle of birth
womb of the earth, miracle of birth

This is a life of Miracles we are all Living here.