This was the high-point of the "movie" which was happening in beetween the countries (USA and Canada), on the border, on my mother's birthday (11th of May). The guy was investigating my two passports (new one with a chip inside and the old one which I used while entering Canada), asking me to watch straight into his eyes. And this is what he said: "It's not the same person here..."
I was amazed. In this moment I wasn't even able to cry anymore, it started to seem funny...
Yeah, Ben (from Pennsylvania), with whom I met on the rainbow, he came to Montreal to pick me up and give a ride down to Pennsylvania and then to Wyoming... and then I wanted to go and meet with Leon, Arizona and New Mexico... and new rainbow gathering there in July.
On this nice and sunny monday we hit the border of United States. I was happy to give them my new passport, I fulfilled some papers in the internet before - it all seemed fine.
One of the first questions was - how much money do you have at the moment? I only had 100$ in my wallet.
How do you finance your trip?
I have some money on my card, I have my fathers credid card as well.. (this was a mistake that I said "my fathers card" - actually I have my name on it, but it is just part of my fathers account - so, I was too honest...)
Where did you guys meet?
On the Rainbow Gathering in november in Mexico.
When do you plan to leave U.S.?
In August, I only have 3 months in USA with this program.
Do you have a job?
No, I cannot have now, I am on the road. I did have back in Estonia, I was working in organic food shop.
When were you in Estonia for the last time?
In october.
This line continued, they wanted to know about my parents (who are supporting my trip), they wanted to know about my studies, home... I said I do not have home at the moment, I am visiting friends, nature..
They asked things about Ben as well... Ben said he is a musician and he is not working at the moment (he quit 3 weeks ago, to be able to move from one state to another)... (this wasn't a good sign either).
So we waited for some time, then they called us back and said that the supervisor said that I am not allowed to USA, cause they think I want to start living there and I do not want to go back to Estonia, because the ties with this country are not proved in their opinion.
I was stunned. Ben too.
I asked what do I have to have then for them to prove something? They said that I have to have plain ticket back to Estonia, I have to have job back there, home..., and lots of money with me - like normal people do...
And the decision cannot be changed, supervisor said like this.
In myself I was thinking that I do not want to have plain ticket back to Estonia yet, I cannot have job in Estonia before going to U.S., I cannot have thousands of dollars in my bank account right away... I am not normal as they said...
The first thing they think about me that I do want to break the laws, to be a beggar and to do something bad with their country... Then I have to prove that I do not have those intensions.
What a funny world!?
I sat there, waiting, so they can do the papers and I can go back to Canadian border.
I surrendered.
I was even interested - so, no plans anymore, what will I do now?
It was just like I read from a book in this morning - how the plans are being changed by life and in the end it is the best what could happen!
A relief even.
They took my fingerprints. This girl was nice.
Otherwise, U.S. border was ugly - metal above the head, plastic to sit on, grey all around. People serious and proud to be U.S. citizens.
Canadian border.
So, we have the same rules as U.S. Do you have a plain ticket back to Estonia?
No.
How much money you do have now?
600 $ and a credit card.
Do you have a job in Estonia, a place to live?
No, my parents house only.
So on...
They came and asked where are we going in Canada, who is going to recieve us, does he have a job?
We are going to Montreal, to Danny's place, he is not working, he is just rich.
Where did you meet with him?
In the Rainbow, in Mexico, we travelled there together, with the horses.
What is rainbow?
Ben said that it is a hippie gathering... (wrong answer:P)
The woman said that I have to call my brother and he has to book a plain ticket for me - then they will let me to the country.
I called.
Sander was cycling outside. Danny said that do not worry, they have to let me somewhere, they cannot send me to heaven...
They searched all my things trough in the car. And they also searched my handbag. My wallet, my books. I had feathers in between all the books, in my wallet and on my ears (feather earrings).
"So you do like feathers a lot?"
Yes.
They found a card of Eve (a woman who is working with some politician in Montreal or smth) and they asked how do I know this woman? (We met in this crazy place with dinosaurs and hotel Madrid while hitchiking to Quebec.)
Waiting.
Being surprised that now I am not even allowed to go back to Canada...
What is the life teaching me now?
Ben decided to take me back to Montreal, but they said they let Ben in only when they let me in.
Waiting.
Surrendering even more.
Finding strenght inside, finding happyness inside.
They called me and made a picture of me.
Waiting.
Praying.
Then the woman came and told that due to benefit of a doubt they will let me to stay in Canada for 6 months, I have to give away two papers when I leave the country. I cannot work. I cannot study.
The rules are actually the same as before, just those two papers.
I do not know what changed their mind, maybe the angels...
We eat snails near the border.
Ben played violin.
Sun was setting.
I swinged.
I climbed to a tree and eat 3 yellow flowers our grandmother used to eat in springtime, to strengthen the blood.
Surreal moments.
Back in Montreal.
Back with Sander.
They offered us meat. We ate it.
Empty.
No plans.
Letting go.
Leon on the phone - I guess we do not meet now. It is all needed. Trust.
Here I am, back in Canada.
Surrendering more than ever.
Not knowing.
It is a challenge to be in this situation. Sometimes I am tired.
Then I find strength.
I do not have to know,
I just have to live.
Life made this strong change on my road. Another direction. No direction.
Wind. White wind. Come and take me.
Ending of the old,
beginning of a new.
There is nothing in between.
There is everything in between.
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