Where are you in your life?

I move on the Earth.
Now some people call me the "worldtraveller".
I guess it was my dream to become a one.

I went into the apartment where we used to live when we were children with Sander.
It is the place of the past. We left it behind when one summer on the countryside never ended and we didn't move back to the village, to our old home. We have been taking things along from there. But lots of them are left behind.

My room. My eyes see it through my little self, my little Marian. Room is so small, but we used to live there with Sander, only having a small floor-space for all the games we played. Big desk, father got it from his working place, old-russian-way-office-desk.
The whole table and floor was full of things, papers, books, toys. Today I had strength to go through it. Today I threw away boxes of old papers and clothes and things. There are more to deal with. But much is gone.
It is tiring. But it is rewarding.
I am amazed that this place is just existing, nobody taking care of it and when you turn on the water in the toilet, water starts to run through the flushing box... What a surprise!
Today I had courage to burn the candle we were saving for some special occasions. It was shaped as a bear in Santa-Claus suit.
I am burning my childhood. But it is not like denying it or killing it. It is more like looking it from aside. Observing. And realizing that some things are over. And there is much to learn from it - for example - to use my favorite stickers right away, not to put them aside until I am 23. This feeling of excitement around stickers is not the same.
Though, why not?
Yes,
there is something in me, still interested in beautiful small things, decorating my books and diaries with pretty pictures.

http://nekochan828.deviantart.com/

Oh, when I was there, I met with a wish to find my own home. I just want to move there and to have space for wool and hand-made stuff to work with. And for piano. And walls will be light and bright there.
In this place of childhood, it all felt so out of time. Small girl is big girl now. Now is the time I can live my dreams.
I do not need to have a childhood place in New Zealand to feel cool in my life.
Also, I do not need to live abroad to feel fulfilled in my life. There is more in me than I even know.
I am a creation of my mind, mostly. And as my mind is changing, I am changing. And as I am teaching silence to my mind, I might even find something else behind it. Cause when the mind is gone, I am not gone.
We will see.

Meanwhile,
dogs and cats are fed and snow is melting over here.
I am pleased that parents do take time to see the world too and hopefully they will come back with a new understanding in their eyes or hearts. I have time to drive on the misty gray roads of Estonia, listening to Vangelis. Conquest of Paradise. 1492.